The flip-flop symposium

I have always been in vehement opposition to the war in Iraq, until about a month ago when I started vehemently supporting it. This is the opposite route most people take in their reactions to the war, but nonetheless, I have changed sides. It's what the Republicans call the "flipflop" and what the rest of us call "critical thinking."

But what's the reason for my sudden apostasy? Was it the heartfelt primetime speeches of President Bush? Was it the crafty advertising campaign of the GOP? Was it the eloquence of the Princeton Tory? Well, Bush is no Reagan, I don't watch commercials and I think the Tory must have gone out of business. No, what made me support our continued actions in Iraq was a three-putt on 18 by Phil Mickelson in late September, part of the thrashing the U.S. golf team took en route to their third straight Ryder Cup defeat.

The United States of America — and this is based on absolutely no research whatsoever — is known for being good at three things: war, entertainment and sports. When we defeat other countries at any of these things, we assert our dominance over them, which is — and this is based on even less research — the very reason the founding fathers wrote the Constitution. The world needs to know we're number one; anything less would be unacceptable.

It's hard to perform a cross-country comparison in terms of entertainment, but even the most rudimentary evaluation favors the world over the United States. Every year Bollywood produces hundreds of more movies than Hollywood, and none of them star Ashton Kutcher. America's number one song for the last five weeks has featured the line, "Come here girl, go head be gone with it." Even the harshest critic of Mel Gibson's drunken tirade would have to admit that the actor is much less anti-Semitic than, say, Hezbollah. Though, to the best of my knowledge, Hezbollah leader and Secretary General Sheik Sayyed Hassan Nasrallah has never referred to a female police officer as "sugar tits."

But enough about entertainment; it is sports where America has consistently reassured the world of our dominance. Just when the Vietnam War was at its most humiliating, Mark "The Mustache" Spitz won seven gold medals in Munich. Just when the Cold War was at its most tense and the U.S.S.R. had incredibly sent troops into Afghanistan, the Miracle on Ice happened in Lake Placid. Yes, Battlefield Earth was a terrible movie, but just two months after its release, Dream Team IV won gold in Sydney, the last Dream Team to do so. Despite the best efforts of Vietnam, the Soviet Union and John Travolta, our athletic prowess showed the world who was really number one. When war and entertainment were down, sports lifted us up.

Now, for the first time in decades, our sports are down. In the past year the United States suffered a first round exit at the World Cup, and we didn't even qualify for the Ice Hockey World Championships. We didn't place at the World Baseball Classic, our national pastime, and we got bronze at the World Basketball Championships, a sport we invented. At the 2006 Winter Olympics, Team U.S.A. came in second place ... to Germany. We never used to lose to Germany, and now look at us! The final blow came at the Ryder Cup, a golf event that pits the best American golfers against the best European golfers. For the third straight year, Europe destroyed the United States. Europe! Do you remember when America saved Europe in that war all those years ago, when Europe was eternally grateful to the new world superpower?

Neither do I.

That's why, in short, I now have no choice but to support the war in Iraq — excuse me, "Operation Iraqi Freedom." I've heard and have even launched many of the criticisms. I've heard that American lives are pointlessly being lost, but is loss of life really pointless when it's going toward avenging the U.S.'s devastating 4-0 loss to Finland at the World Ice Hockey Championship qualifiers? I've heard that the war is unjustified because we entered without a United Nations mandate, but wasn't losing to Canada at baseball mandate enough? I know that there were no WMDs in Iraq, but now we're fighting for the World Basketball Championship, the WBC. WMD, WBC, it's close enough! You might say, "Well, close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades." Well, the U.S. army is equipped with hand grenades, smart guy. President Bush, 1; liberal media, 0.

Yes, we need to stay in Iraq, and we need to win the thing. We need that lasting image: the terrorists crying as Americans cavort through the streets in victory, Pfc. Michael Jordan hitting an armistice-beating three-shot kill to defeat the opposition. Jason O. Gilbert is a sophomore from Marietta, Ga. He can be reached at jogilber@princeton.edu.