There can be little doubt that last year, the University's 259th, was also one of its finest — ranking, if not number one, surely somewhere in the first quintile. It was the year we cemented our rightful position atop U.S. News & World Report's annual list as "America's Best College," decisively edging out Harvard in a measurement of climbing wall ivy (gross tonnage).
For the sake of posterity and to preserve the unique legacy of our institution, I have compiled a list of notable events from the 2005-2006 academic year. The requirements of a history are but chronology and truth, and while the former may have suffered in the haste of research, I have taken great pains to present the latter in the clearest light possible.
Sept. 19: In an effort to combat increasing rates of incidence, the University enacts a "deflation" policy whereby only 35 percent of students in a given eating club are allowed to receive alcoholic beverages.
Oct. 18: Bill Gates is presented with the Crystal Tiger Award, a prize bestowed annually on individuals "who, throughout their careers, have been leaders, thinkers and creators — especially creators of Halo 2."
Oct. 21: Tiger Inn and Ivy voluntarily stop serving alcohol, of their own accord, without any external pressure whatsoever. Club officers comment that the change in policy "has absolutely nothing to do with an underage male high school student consuming an inordinate amount of alcohol and subsequently being arrested at the local branch of a well-known convenience store franchise."
Nov. 21: Prompted by the Princeton Justice Project and out of sympathy for the plaintiffs in Lewis v. Harris, the USG approves a proposal granting Dean of the College Nancy Malkiel the authority to perform civil marriages on Cannon Green.
Dec. 14: The Robertson family commissions a Zogby International poll which finds that 70.4 percent of students believe the foundation's money would be best spent by casting bronze busts in the likeness of Woodrow Wilson to place atop the headless statues outside of McCormick Hall.
Jan. 31: Samuel Alito '72 is sworn in as the 110th justice of the Supreme Court, moves to Washington, D.C. and draws into a three-room double with Ben Bernanke.
Feb. 22: President Tilghman receives a vote of no confidence from faculty after her controversial remark that "people named Nancy may be naturally predisposed to make the best administrators."
March 9: Students become suspicious that Public Safety may be using Facebook to investigate illicit activities after Deputy Director Charles Davall creates the group "I'm a Public Safety officer ... bitch."
March 25: The Princeton LGBT Center and the Anscombe Society host a joint event characterized by mutual understanding and instructive dialogue.
April 7: Terrace Club voluntarily stops serving alcohol, of its own accord, without any external pressure whatsoever. Club officers comment that the change in policy "has absolutely nothing to do with an underage female student consuming an inordinate amount of alcohol and subsequently falling down a staircase."
April 15: A shocking front page article in The Wall Street Journal reveals that Dan-el Padilla Peralta, Class of 2006 Latin salutatorian, was never actually enrolled as a student at the University.
April 16: Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist '74 (R-Tenn.) speculates that Padilla may have illegally entered the campus as an undocumented transfer student from Rutgers. Frist proposes constructing a wall on the outskirts of New Brunswick to protect the institution from "paperless migrant academics."
April 18: Princeton Pro-Life erects a display outside Frist Campus Center to mourn the "347 innocents killed in the womb by abortion, who would have been part of Princeton's class of 2010." Princeton Pro-Choice Vox counters with a large poster that reads "Fetuses are not qualified college applicants."
April 26: The College Republicans celebrate as the "Student Bill of Rights" passes in a campus-wide referendum. An organization spokesman admits that protecting academic freedom, while important, was only a secondary goal, and that the primary aim of the bill was to find a new and innovative way to irritate Asheesh Siddique '07.
May 15: After four decades in his University post, Professor John Fleming GS '63 is forced into retirement amid rumors that roughly one quarter of the words in his weekly 'Prince' column were made up.
May 19: Protests greet the Baccalaureate address of writer David Sedaris when it comes to light that his fictionalized association with the University may have included membership in the Concerned Alumni of Princeton. J.R. de Lara is a politics major from Ithaca, N.Y. He can be reached at jdelara@princeton.edu.
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Guest Contributors"As policy students, we are appalled by the blatant hypocrisy of the University administration, which has relied on fear-mongering and false narratives to discredit student protestors. We are increasingly disillusioned with the dissonance of what we are taught in our classrooms and the University’s actions."
"As policy students, we are appalled by the blatant hypocrisy of the University administration, which has relied on fear-mongering and false narratives to discredit student protestors. We are increasingly disillusioned with the dissonance of what we are taught in our classrooms and the University’s actions."
