All good things

This is the end ... beautiful friend ... And then there would be huge napalm explosions all over West Windsor Fields!"

"Well, Steven, that sounds really cool, but why would you start a movie by proclaiming 'this is the end?' Unless you were shooting a Seinfeld episode, I mean. It's like wiping on your way to the bathroom — it doesn't make sense."

Spielberg combed his beard and fumed. "Well, don't ask the Oscar-winning director. You're the winner of the prestigious Daily Princetonian Opinion Writing Award. So you tell me: what should be the opening scene of 'The War on Fun: Double Shirley Probation?' "

Hoping to cobble together enough money to pay my broker's fee in Manhattan, I had begun liquidating assets faster than O.J. Simpson. Miramax approached me about purchasing the movie rights to my columns and made me an offer I couldn't refuse, thinking they had the next "Sex and the City" on their hands.

After seeing a sneak preview of "The DaVinci Code" (thanks to my friendship with Professor Robbie George, leader of the secret James Madison Cult which guards the truth about Christ and the location of the National Treasure), I began to worry about the potential pitfalls of transferring my captivating story to a new medium. I suddenly wished that I had been nicer to those bank-hating film students who had lived across the hall from me at NYU.

My friends, however, assured me that I'd never had an original idea in my life, and now was not the time to start. My movie, they suggested, should simply be a hybrid (what else would Jesus drive, except maybe the false prophets out of the temple?) of my favorite scenes from other movies. A capital idea!

"Perhaps you're right, Steven. I think the ends will justify the means. So let's talk about the ends. This movie should have multiple endings, like 'Wayne's World.' " He proceeded to mimic Dana Carvey with precision.

"A 'Bonnie and Clyde' ending, one hundred percent!" exclaimed Spielberg. "President Tilghman and Dean Malkiel could fly off a cliff in a 1961 Ferrari GT California (less than a hundred were made)! And you would be watching as Sheriff Buford T. Justice!"

I pondered the idea. "Too bittersweet. My character would feel more regret than relief at the loss of worthy adversaries. How about we work them in like this: a 'Star Wars' ending! All the students are standing in formation in the University chapel, and a grand anthem is being played by a small band in ugly plaid. Nancy Malkiel marches down the aisle to receive the 2006 Best Malkiel Runner-Up Award. Chewbacca, played by some hairy grad student, growls triumphantly."

Spielberg continued the scene. "As everybody files out past a portrait of you, one Trustee turns to another and remarks, 'Well, he did it. He ran drank them off their feet!' Then we cut to a panoramic shot of you and your insurgent buddies running on the beach with cans of Coors. Or maybe you're marching along singing Old Nassau to the tune of the Mickey Mouse Club theme."

I had another idea. "A 'Terminator' ending! Fred Hargadon is sent back in time to admit me into Princeton, and the movie ends with a death match between him and Dean Rapelye, who he defeats with the Five Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique. Once we're victorious, I have to lower him into Lake Carnegie to repair the space-time continuum, which I learned about in Future Physics. As he slips below the surface, he yells out 'YES!' like William Wallace and gives me a thumbs-up."

"You know," Spielberg offered, "you can't cover a story like this righteously without an Animal House ending. Freeze-frame on each character and talk about their future. 'Ira Leeds moved to Memphis to tutor underprivileged retards or something.' 'Brandon Parry succumbed to conservatism.' 'Leslie-Bernard Joseph failed to deliver reparations as president of the NAACP.' 'Cleland Welton got busted for something.' 'Powell Fraser orchestrated the merger of Smith & Wesson and UNICEF then wrote the New York Times bestselling sequel to "Bonfire of the Vanities." ' And so forth."

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I was so excited about the next ending that I wiggled my hand in the air like the dorky kid in precept. "Butch Cassidy! We're surrounded by the entire Public Safety brigade, but we don't know it, and we're trying to sneak go-cups out to the Street. And on the way out the door, I turn to Shaun Callaghan and say, 'You didn't see Dean Flores out there, did you?' He shakes his head, and so we run out the door, and the camera freeze-frames before we're taken down. A voice says, 'It was Arrested Development.' "

"You know what we really need?" Spielberg concluded. "A 'Gone With the Wind' ending. You gaze out over Prospect Avenue and sigh, 'Quad! After all, tomorrow is another night out!'"

"Well, Steven, the dude abides. Let's roll." Powell Fraser is a politics major from Atlanta, Ga. He can be reached at pfraser@princeton.edu.