Grade deflation deflates grades

In Response to "Results of New Grading Policy Reported," from "Parents News" Volume 29, Number 1:

The policy of grade deflation causes grades to go down, according to a recent study published in the parents' newsletter sent out by Princeton University. The report states that,since grade deflation began, grades have, in fact, deflated.

"This is big, big news," said a clearly ecstatic Vice Dean of the College Katherine Mickelson. "The fact that grade deflation causes grades to deflate is a definite win for the policy. Going into this thing, we asked ourselves the same question over and over again: What effect would grade deflation have on grades? And I think we got the answer today: it deflates them. Grade deflation deflates grades. Who knew?"

Associate Vice Dean of the College Emily Perkins felt vindicated over the reported success of grade deflation.

"After this, no one can say that grade deflation doesn't cause grade deflation, because clearly it does. I think that anyone who had doubted that grade deflation would work has definitely been proven wrong. The grades have been deflated, and grade deflation deflated them. This is a huge win for the Office of the College."

Math professor Tom Higgins agreed.

"Not only is this a big win for the Office of the College, it's also a big win for third grade mathematics. It proves once and for all that if you have a big number and you average in a smaller number, that number goes down. Before this study, it might have been possible for that number to go up, but now that seems almost impossible."

The faculty seemed optimistic about the results of the survey, but students still remained skeptical.

"Is this another article about grade deflation?" asked Ronald Mickelson '08. "Give it a rest already."

Others were more vocal in their opposition.

"This is stupid," Jason Gilbert '09 said. "Of course grade deflation causes grades to deflate. It's in the policy's name. Why was this a news story? If grades went up, now that would be a story. But a story about how grade deflation caused grades to go down? I can already see the headlines of next month's Parent's View: 'Philosophy Professor Teaches Philosophy.' 'University A Capella Group Performs Without Instruments.' 'Witherspoon Hall to be Dorm Next Year, Again.' 'McCosh Health Center Cures Nobody.'

"And another thing," Gilbert continued, giving an unusually long quote within a news article, "shouldn't grade deflation's success be measured by whether students are being pushed intellectually, or whether seniors are getting accepted into graduate schools or getting better jobs after graduation, or whether Princeton's reputation is going up in the world? Shouldn't that be how we're measuring? Of course grade deflation causes grades to deflate; it's grade deflation."

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Gilbert is also a member of The Daily Princetonian staff, but no one reads his articles anyway so it doesn't really matter.

But the Vice Dean of the College disagrees.

"No, [Gilbert] is deluding himself. He's just bitter because grade deflation is working so well that we actually had to create the sixth quintile just for him. Did you know that it's possible to have a negative GPA? Grade deflation at its finest."

To learn more about the policy's successes, look for an upcoming series of lectures, speeches and panel discussions about grade deflation, all of which will be attended by no one. Jason Gilbert is a freshman from Marietta, Ga. He can be reached at jogilber@princeton.edu.