Democracy matters

The USG constitution, as you might know, stipulates that any student amassing 300 signatures on a petition can call for an immediate University-wide referendum on the issue of his or her choice. This allows the cause-of-the-week, Cindy Sheehan-for-Senate moonbats on campus to create controversy on demand. I volunteered to help USG president Alex Lenahan '07 by reading petitions for him, hoping to use community service to bargain my way out of the probation I faced for opening a bar on the C Floor of Firestone Library called "The Thirsty Thesis."

I picked up my file of ongoing petitions and started to read. The first petition called for the abolition of the eating clubs. It was only signed by three people — Shirley Tilghman, Coolest Malkiel Runner-Up Nancy Weiss Malkiel and former Princeton Progressive Nation editor Asheesh Siddique '07. I wrote them a note suggesting they continue their quest by obtaining the Herbie Hancocks of the seven members of upperclassman coops on campus.

The next petition called for the establishment of a campus TV channel that no one would watch, to be launched at an expensive party that no one would attend, featuring an open bar where no one was allowed to get drunk, during the Academy Awards featuring movies no one had seen. I concluded this was a profoundly stupid idea that would never come to fruition and moved on.

One petition caught my attention because of its language. "We, the undersigned, think Frist food is much better than dining hall food, and we oppose all attempts to make it harder for us to get late meals. My last Salisbury steak still had marks from where the jockey was hitting it."

It was signed by the entire freshman class. I sent them an email reminding them that eating clubs were still the best thing since the Wawa and advised them to talk to Tilghman, Malkiel and Siddique.

Fittingly, the next petition in my stack demanded that we save the Wawa from certain destruction at the hands of the artsy-fartsy crowd that thinks we're more interested in year-round Vagina Monologues than 3 AM meatball subs. It was signed by the members of the Tiger Inn, whose food quality apparently had not improved since the club went off tap indefinitely. Many of the signatures were simply marked "X" by illiterate wrestlers, though, so I had to discard it.

Gathering momentum, I picked up two at once. In my left hand, I held a petition calling for fair trade; in my right, one calling for fair grades. I was encouraged to see that only a dozen students were interested in obtaining their bread from Chad instead of Kansas (an excellent hair band), while the entire student body was concerned about arbitrary grading policies. I placed the latter petition in Alex's box, hoping he would pay more attention to it than his acronym-ed predecessor.

A petition started by the Anscombe chastity society called for the closing of the Terrace Club. I noticed that a remarkable number of students on campus were virgins, and I laughed at them.

A rogue group named Supporting Princetonians in the Nation's Service suggested expanding the ROTC program — by encouraging live-fire exercises against the poly-pierced townie punks loitering in front of J. Crew. I skipped their petition, deciding that unanimous support from the Supreme Court was all the encouragement they needed this week.

A group of Princeton juniors sick of wearing their Outdoor Action gear on Prospect Avenue declared their opposition to sidewalk puddles reminiscent of Lake Pontchartrain eyeing the French Quarter jealously like Germany surveying the Sudetenland. I forwarded their concerns to Will Benjamin '07 '08 to be addressed upon his return.

A particularly sensible petition called for scheduling Homecoming on a weekend other than Fall Break. Regrettably, it was only signed by the dozens of students who regularly attended varsity football games, and I moved on with a heavy heart.

The final document, the Callaghan-Welton Act of 2006, ended with my signature. It called for lowering the drinking age to 18, revoking the right of Public Safety officers to enter a party in progress and abolishing noise complaints. I sent it straight to the student body, praying to the non-cartoon Allah that the majority supported our insurgency in the War on Fun. Powell Fraser is a politics major from Atlanta, Georgia. He can be reached at pfraser@princeton.edu.