The relationship column makes its return

Whenever people find out that I write for the 'Prince,' the first question they usually ask me is "How is it possible that such a massive gathering of unmatched journalistic and philosophical talent could be in the employ of one single publication?" Valid question — I don't really have an answer for that. And the second most common question I get asked is, "What ever happened to the dating and sex columns, and will they ever be making a return?"

Nah, I'm just kidding; I don't actually talk to people. But if I did, I would imagine that the conspicuous absence of dating and sex columns would be somewhat worrisome. Without the relationship column, crucial questions go unanswered. For example, is it acceptable to take a first date to McDonald's, and, as a follow-up, when at McDonald's, how romantic is it to use a Monopoly prize coupon to Biggie Size your date's McRib combo meal? You see, without our dating and sex columns we are a campus of clueless losers fumbling around in the dark, literally and figuratively.

Well, fumble around in the dark no more, fellow Princetonians. I'm here to resurrect the dating column. I would write a sex column as well, but seeing that my mom is my most avid reader, that might make for a pretty awkward winter break.

And so even though I'm a freshman male (read: I haven't been on a date since the Millard Fillmore administration), I've composed a little guide, based on what I know best about relationships, that I hope will help all of you clueless guys out there. The information contained herein is based on years of experience, both here at Princeton and elsewhere, which I find to be absolutely infallible and unquestionable. So take out your notebooks, men: I'm about to drop some knowledge on you.

How to Not Have a Girlfriend: A Guidebook by Jason Gilbert.

Step 1: Don't Talk to Girls.

Just as abstinence is the best way not to get chlamydia, so too is not talking to girls the best way to not have a girlfriend. (Side note: if you think of girls as being like chlamydia, chances are you won't have a girlfriend, anyway.) Try doing things that generally only males do, like going to Colonial on Thursday night, or writing for the Princeton Tory. Cheap shots at the right wing aside, if you really want to not have a girlfriend, you can't do much better than not talking to girls.

Step 2: Be Really Awkward.

Now, if you're a normal guy, you'll probably find yourself in a situation where you're talking to a girl. Don't panic; there's still time to completely blow any chance at a relationship. Being really awkward (or, in desperate situations, being really, really awkward) is the most efficient way to achieve this. Now, being awkward comes in many different forms, all of which are extremely effective. You have your non sequiturs:

Girl: So what did you think of that physics quiz?

You: Let's mate.

You've got your obscure Star Trek references:

Get the best of the ‘Prince’ delivered straight to your inbox. Subscribe now »

Girl: Hi, my name is Kate Anderson.

You: Wow, are you related to Judith Anderson who played the Vulcan High Priestess in "The Search for Spock?"

And, my personal favorite, the clumsy double entendre:

Girl: Gosh, the production possibilities curves in econ sure are hard.

You: You know with your curves and my production possibilities, we could make some beautiful babies.

And so, there you have it: the most surefire way there is not to have a girlfriend. I hope that this was of some help to all of you, whether you're a super suave ladies man who needs a break or whether you're an awkward, non-sequitur-spouting, Star-Trek-obsessed engineer who just wanted affirmation of your girlfriend-repelling ways. In any case, I hope you learned something.

And just as soon as I decided to take up the relationship column, I humbly relinquish the responsibility. And no, it's not because how to not have a girlfriend is all that I know about relationships; future columns based on my own experience like "What not to Say in the Limousine on the Way to Junior Prom" and "Things You Shouldn't Do with your Pasta at a Fancy Italian Restaurant" would have been just as educational as this one. I just feel like maybe, just maybe, there are people out there that are slightly better qualified to take up the post. Besides, as an opinion columnist for the 'Prince,' there are, well, certain quotas I have to fill. So, farewell again, relationship column: I have a grade deflation policy to bash. Jason Gilbert is a freshman from Marietta, Ga. He can be reached at jogilber@princeton.edu.