At University, a crisis of courtship

When I asked a friend how to begin a column on dating at Princeton, his response was simple: "Good luck." Those who have seen freshman week's most popular program, "Sex on a Saturday Night," will remember the various representations of dating on campus. The play's focus on the bedroom, though exaggerated, does parallel the reality of the dating scene here. The prominent role of the Street — and alcohol — in pairings is undeniably true to life. Even when this culture does not lead to the play's final, horrible scene, the norms perpetuated here may still prevent us from getting the most out of our romantic relationships.

In short, the Princeton dating culture needs help. Two years of listening to my friends' complaints and running into my own snafus make me long for the dating of my mother's (or perhaps grandmother's) generation, when a date was simply that — a chance for two people to get to know each other. Why doesn't this happen at Princeton?

There are many obstacles to actual dating on campus. First, between classes and extracurricular commitments, students have little time to seek out and deepen relationships. The result is usually either a series of casual hookups with little or no follow-up, or a prolonged and sometimes restrictive relationship. Some relationships begin as hookups and find stability over time, although it's hard to call a liaison with such origins a "romance." Still, little space exists for any arrangement between these two extremes, creating huge divergent pressure in any possible romantic interaction.

Princeton students' aversion to risk complicates the difficulties posed by lack of time. Men hesitate to ask out women for fear of rejection, women demur to avoid seeming too forward and members of the LGBT community face even greater obstacles. Opportunities slip by from lack of courage or just plain miscommunication. Friday nights that used to be spent on dates are now spent in Firestone or, like Thursday and Saturday nights, at the Street.

Ambiguity plays a key role in coupling on campus. Sometimes two people slide into a relationship without realizing what's happened, as a series of encounters or outings slowly gain momentum. Other times, uncertainty dashes hopes and breaks hearts. The popularity of technology such as instant messaging and thefacebook.com, which can either say too much or nothing at all, increases the general confusion.

In the face of such challenges, two friends of mine have thought up a creative solution: a dating society. The group's goal is to encourage one-on-one interaction without ulterior motives or expectations. Once a person has identified someone they'd like to get to know better, other members help him or her set a deadline by which a date should occur. Better yet, the group acts as a safety net, in which most encounters are between friends or friends of friends. In this way, the society both introduces accountability for dating behavior and provides the meek with an excuse for action.

A date doesn't have to be expensive or formal — in fact, creativity is preferred. Possible outings include going on walks, going out for ice cream or coffee, touring the Princeton art museum and, my personal favorite, blowing bubbles by the fountain in Prospect Garden. Any activity that increases face time and decreases pressure qualifies. The main idea is to organize time spent with another person in a meaningful way, to seek to actually know someone.

Many campus trends suggest frustration with the current system. The Anscombe Society "[aims] to promote and encourage an atmosphere ... where human relationships are affirming and supportive," while the CJL's exercise in speed dating last year garnered much enthusiasm. Peer pressure can be positive, too, especially when it's used to increase accountability and decrease certain expectations. If an actual society is necessary to redefine dating on this campus, to reclaim Friday nights, I'll be the first one at President Tilghman's door requesting student organization funding. And if anyone else would like to join me, there are plenty of bubbles to go around. Emily Stolzenberg is a German major from Morgantown, W. Va. She can be reached at estolzen@princeton.edu.