Gay dating comes out of the closet

During an intense game of beirut, two sophomores eyed each other across the ping-pong table. It was another night on the street and another new face, but somehow, one managed to make the first, courageous move:

"Um, nice sweater," he said.

The other man smiled and a real conversation began. Eventually, talking led to dancing, dancing led to dating and many months later, the couple (who asked not to be named) is still happily together.

Unfortunately, chance romantic encounters on the Street rarely blossom into anything meaningful. For the lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender (LGBT) students, as for straight students, there is not much of a dating culture at Princeton.

However, for the LGBT community there seem to be more, if not unique set of, obstacles to a fairy tale romance.

"It's so incestuous!" Dana Moore '06 said. "It's like we're all brother and sister."

Moore identifies herself as 'gay' and expressed a commonly perceived problem with the LGBT social scene at Princeton. In an email survey, five out of six respondents pointed to the small size of the closely knit community as an inhibition to dating. According to Debbie Bazarsky, the university's LGBT Student Services coordinator, just 250, or about five percent of Princeton students are LGBT and out of the closet.

Rob Rich '06, a straight ally, said that "straight people can often date outside of their extended circle of friends," but LGBT people cannot.

Because of organizations like the Pride Alliance and LGBT Student Services programs, there is rarely more than one degree of separation between LGBT Princetonians who have come out of the closet.

What does this mean for alternative lifestyles at Princeton? People may be afraid of dating openly because a bad breakup or a rocky relationship will be known to everyone in the community. According to Moore, there are two kinds of gay people at Princeton: "uber-out people who are like almost married" and those who don't admit to their sexuality or to questioning it.

Most students surveyed agreed with Moore: "LGBT dating is either intensely serious or heartbreakingly brief."

Since LGBT students may be struggling with coming out, gay relationships on campus are inherently more nuanced than straight ones. "It's hard to find people who are at the same place you are in terms of accepting your sexuality," Jessie Weber '05 writes. Because queer identity is a personal matter, "everyone is sort of [on] a different level of 'outness'," Weber adds.

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Insecurity issues and the threat of homophobia commonly drive gay relationships into secrecy — a tense arrangement for any couple. While many gay couples on campus may be 'out,' some still feel pressured to keep a low profile on campus to avoid homophobic remarks or acts. However, the extent of homophobia on campus remains unclear.

Though few students are worried about their safety on campus, Moore says that she is upset that homophobic incidents still occur sporadically and are often ambiguous in intent.

One male student, who asked not to be identified, recalls an evening when he was holding hands with another man on the sidewalk of Prospect Avenue and another student threw a cup full of beer at them. Even though the cup narrowly missed him, the act revealed the persistence of intolerance on campus.

While homophobia does not seem to be rampant, according to Bazarsky, the LGBT Student Services website collects several reports each semester of verbal and physical homophobic threats, often from intoxicated aggressors.

Though they have a much smaller pool of potential mates, LGBT students see their own amorous escapades as a reflection of the culture of the straight majority. One respondent, a senior who is a gay female and asked not to be identified, said, "I know very few [straight] people who just go on dates with several different people. The LGBT community in many ways (dating and others) is a reflection of the straight community on campus taken to an extreme, such that there is essentially no LGBT dating culture."

Eric Remijan '06, who is gay and in what he called "a very happy relationshipo with junior class president, Chris Lloyd, agreed. "There do not seem to be many couples on campus, gay or straight," he said.

While the Street is generally considered a symbol of one night stands and irresponsible decisions, Remijan met his boyfriend at their eating club. "In our case the eating club system encouraged our dating." he said.

Though the Street sometimes facilitates the dating scene, others in the LGBT community believe it inherently creates a stifling environment for the LGBT minority.

Several clubs have a reputation of being gay-friendly and others of being hostile, but across the board, the Street breeds assumptions about sexuality, Moore said.

"Not all eating clubs discriminate, they just require a definite sexuality to consider, not an admission to irresolution," Moore said. She is referring to 'heterosexism' or the assumption that everyone is straight.

Much more so than homophobia, heterosexism may be institutionalized and persist even in an environment where outright homophobia is discouraged. Many LGBT students admitted feeling stifled in an environment that assumes their sexual orientation. Moore herself feels "trapped in a straight woman's body" when she goes out to the Street.

Perceptions on campus differ as to whether lesbians or gay men have a greater tendency to pair off and be "almost married."

"I know of a few lesbian couples at Princeton, but almost no gay male couples," a female senior, who asked not to be identified, said. There are examples of happy relationships in both categories, but most Princetonians remain single. The hookup culture remains the norm for men and women, queer and straight alike at Princeton.

Bazarsky said that many LGBT students have tried dating people in the local community or cyberdating as an alternative to the Princeton scene. Dating students at nearby colleges is also common.

Rutgers, which has strong ties to the Princeton LGBT community, encourages attendance at joint events. Each year, many students from Rutgers visit campus to attend such events as the Terrace Drag Ball, which has produced a number of couples.

Bazarsky, who has worked at other universities, said that the claustrophobia in the LGBT community "feels the same way at a university with 50,000 people."

She hopes that the LGBT center opening in Frist next year will bring queer Princetonians together in a healthy way. The center aims to create greater awareness on campus and to help LGBT students feel more comfortable about their identities. Diana Moore also acknowledged the great need for LGBT students to feel more comfortable at Princeton.

"To admit to being LGBT on this campus is already such a baring of oneself that being vulnerable in a relationship doesn't seem like a huge leap," Moore said. "It would be better if we educated people about how to question their own sexuality."