Attention sophomores: we're here to help. We at the 'Prince' understand that you're a little stressed out these days, what with studying for orgo exams and trying to figure out which collar(s) to pop when simultaneously wearing three polo shirts. We know that the last thing you want to worry about is deciding on an eating club. So we present you Mr. Bicker Person, who's here to relieve all your fears. Like we said, we're here to help.
Question: Will I have to drink heavily during Bicker?
Mister Bicker Person: No. The University mandates that Bicker is dry.
Q: Really?
Mr. B. P.: Haha, that was funny. Of course you'll have to drink. Eating clubs' presidents will sooner abide by the Edict of Worms than by the edicts of Shirley Tilghman.
Q: What does the Edict of Worms have to do with Princeton?
Mr. B. P.: The Edict of Worms was declared by Jonathan "J-dizzle" Edwards, the University's first president, in approximately 1342. It states that all eating clubs must be "like totally lame" every Friday night, or else the officers will be forced to eat Tiger Inn's food (hot dogs, corn dogs, pigs in a blanket, worms, goldfish and the rotting carcass of the wrestler who drowned in his own vomit circa 1998 but no one has gotten around to cleaning up yet).
Q: Oh. What other sorts of hazing will I face?
Mr. B. P.: Hazing is also not permitted.
Q: Really?
Mr. B. P.: No, Mister Bicker Person is once again pulling your leg. Mister Bicker Person enjoys pulling your leg almost as much as heartless upperclassman will enjoy hazing your pathetic little soul. Remember, Donald Rumsfeld '54 got all the ideas for Abu Ghraib from his days in Cap & Gown.
Q: Maybe I'll sign in to Quad. They won't haze me, will they?
Mr. B. P.: No, they are too preoccupied playing Halo II. But remember, if you chose to sign in and not Bicker, then you are a big fat loser and no one will ever love you again, not even your mother.
Q: Fine, I'll Bicker. Do you have any tips on getting in?
Mr. B. P.: If you are bickering Ivy or Cottage, it would be helpful if you slept with several of the members. Using your trust fund to get hookers for the whole club is also acceptable.
Q: What about Tower?
Mr. B. P.: The first step is being Asian, Jewish or Indian. If you must insist on being a WASP, then you should either become a member of the Triangle Club and act excessively dramatic, or else apply to the Woodrow Wilson School and act excessively dramatic.
Q:Okay, let's say I get into my eating club of choice, what happens then?
Mr. B. P.: According the Papal Line of Demarcation — a corollary of The Edict of Worms — members are barred from discussing eating club initiation rituals. I can only say that you will become ridiculously drunk, take off most of your clothing and end up with copious amounts of ketchup in your hair.
Q: Why ketchup?
Mr. B. P.: Because Tiger Inn has dibs on all the mayonnaise in New Jersey.
Q: All of this doesn't sound like too much fun. What benefits are there to joining an eating club?
Mr. B. P.: There are many benefits. F. Scott Fitzgerald '17 greatly enjoyed his eating club experience, purportedly beginning his classic novel Moby Dick Does Dallas in the library of Cottage Club. But then he became an alcoholic and died, greatly reducing his level of enjoyment. Many other former members of Cottage also later became deceased. This inevitable death should be considered a good reason not to bicker Cottage.
Q: Doesn't everyone die eventually?
Mr. B. P.: It certainly has come time for this column to do so.
Today's Bicker Tip: When "chatting" with members during bicker, it's important to remember your manners and be gracious at all times.
Incorrect: "Stop staring at my girlfriend's breasts, you asshole."
Correct: "Have you met my younger sister? She just turned 18 last week."
Got a question for Mr. Bicker Person? Meet him on the third floor. This article is part of The Daily Princetonian's 2005 Joke Issue.
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