With his 47 illegitimate cubs gathered around him, a teary-eyed Princeton Tiger resigned Tuesday from the position of Princeton mascot after over 125 years on the job.
The Tiger cited old age and blood lust as reasons for his departure.
"It was time," the Tiger said. "I've had the taste for live meat for years now, and I have to control my urges. I want to spend for time with my bastard children. This is just best for all of us. "
Director of Athletics Gary Walters '67 wasted no time naming a replacement — a part boxer, part golden retriever from Minnesota named Tucker.
"We just couldn't afford to go a day without a mascot," Walters said from his Texas ranch. "A men's hockey coach, that can wait. But a mascot — that brings in the money."
Tucker, an unknown seven-year-old from suburban Minneapolis, signed a six-year, $12 million contract to man the sidelines of Old Nassau, making him the highest paid active performance dog on the planet.
Walters contacted the pooch less than an hour after the Tiger announced his retirement.
"It's not about the money," Tucker said while rummaging through a canvas bag with a dollar sign logo on it. "This is about Tucker and Tucker's peoples. Don't you ever forget that."
Princeton's initial offer was four years and three bags of Kibbles 'n Bits: Homestyle, but the crafty mutt held out for more.
"You gotta understand," Tucker said. "I have a family to feed. Three bags of Kibbles? I spit at you. Five million dollars for five years? Why don't I just crap in a box?"
Tucker has no history in the field of mascotry but did once swallow a Squish ball and hold it in his stomach for over six months.
Some fans are concerned with Tucker's shady past. Twice he has knocked an innocent baby to the ground, and three years ago he killed a rabbit by scaring it to death in the backyard.
"Meh," Tucker said. "Some died, some lived. That's nature, dawg."
The Tiger leaves behind difficult shoes to fill. After succeeding the Lion as the mascot after the 1879 season, the Tiger became the most beloved mascot in school history.
Walters has not yet commented on whether the school will change its colors to compensate its new mascot.
"I've been told [Tucker] wants tan and taupe," Walters said in a bathing suit. "Is he crazy? Tan?!?!"
The dog says he's focused and fully recovered from a near-death experience this summer when a neighbor bulldog jumped the fence and grabbed him around the throat.
"Tucker showed that punk what's up," Tucker said. "Tucker built a bigger fence."
Tucker will officially take over in the fall of 2005. This article is part of The Daily Princetonian's 2005 Joke Issue.
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