The 13 rules for a good campaign

With the dust settled on what was my college election and the acrimonious political landscape looking more and more like a hate-filled chapter from the Yankees-Red Sox rivalry, I want to take a moment to point out some of the sad lessons and realities that I learned from what were frankly two disappointing campaigns. In the harsh and disappointing political world of Carville and Carlson, eloquent hot air and fantastical goals, spit balls and girlie-men, flight suits and salutes, lets call this my own Campaigning 101 to the future presidential candidates. In honor of A-rod's now defiled jersey number, the 13 things you need to do to get through a presidential campaign:

1. Use big ambiguous words for your campaign slogans like: hope, freedom and stronger. They mean absolutely nothing but make people feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Make it clear that if your campaign is for freedom, the other party must be for oppression.

2. Don't be a senator. Your voting record will invariably be bad and the opposing party will inevitably find a $20 amendment for kids milk that you voted against. Think of the children.

3. Get photographed hunting, throwing footballs, snowboarding, windsurfing and golfing. These make you look youthful and energetic and must make you a good commander in chief.

4. Keep your children away from referencing sex and grandmothers in the same sentence on prime time in front of 20 million people. In fact, keep your children away from a microphone.

5. Don't ever, ever, ever, ever, ever throw out a first pitch without practicing for hours before hand. Ever. Consider it a State of a the Union but with beer and hot dogs.

6. Keep Georgia senators and Al Sharpton away from the convention podium.

7. Get celebrities to endorse you. Recommendations: "OC" cast members, Boston pitchers, aging musicians and movie actors. In other words, people who know nothing about politics but look pretty on television.

8. When you debate, straight-up lying is OK. Also accepted is number distortion, fabricated claims and broad party generalizations. Don't forget that since the other candidate is not allowed to question you, you can get away with anything.

9. Instead of actually answering questions, simply respond with: Well, you can read about it on my website. This way you can avoid having an opinion, and thus, more people won't hate you.

10. When you debate, don't look like the questions are interfering with your naptime. We know it's late, but at least try and look engaged and interested.

11. Poll everything, from what time you should go to the bathroom, to what parts of your body it's acceptable to scratch on national television. Important things to poll: war yells, jokes of any kind, your hair, Al Gore.

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12. Hire good lawyers to make sure that when you debate there is absolutely no way under any circumstance that a real discussion of the issues could ensue; you don't actually want to to address the other candidate. This might throw them off balance and confuse voters.

13. Finally, out of spite, make sure you hold your convention in a city where everyone would sooner vote to elect a subway car than you. Then make sure you flood the city with your motorcade, secret service, SWAT teams and extra police battalions that will force all the residents on vacation. Chris Berger is a history major from London. He can be reached at cberger@princeton.edu.