Giving birth to the thesis

When one senior asks another when his friend must turn in his thesis, he often phrases the question as "when are you due." The reference to pregnancy is done jokingly, but is quite revealing. As seniors skip about campus this week, beaming in the glow of their newfound freedom, you half expect them to take out their wallets and force baby picture viewings on unfortunate strangers.

The similarities between thesis writing and pregnancy are many. Like babies, theses begin as twinkles in our eyes, perhaps "sparked" by the virile intellect of a faculty advisor. There is some debate as to whether the thesis is truly a thesis at this point, or merely a "potential thesis." While the writer may choose to terminate the thesis before it is bound — it is, after all, his or her personal time that is at stake— the consequences of such an action, like not graduating, must be carefully weighed.

The academic year lasts nine months, during which time the writers become irritable and bloated. They withdraw from their usual extracurricular activities and demand strange foods and massages. As they trade Firestone for Dillon, they expand in girth. They wear loose, elastic clothes. Underclassmen friends are badgered into running menial errands to satisfy the writers' wants and whims. Fat and crabby, the thesis writer lords over campus like a terrible tyrant.

As the due date approaches, thought turns to titles. This raises a difficult problem — what sex is your thesis? One friend suggested that such a determination depended on the subject, and a quick survey of the computer cluster I was in revealed that students think of their theses as male, female, neuter and inter-sex. Because my thesis touches on postmodernity, I've decided to let it explore gender identity on its own instead of putting it in a box.

When the big moment comes — some early, some late, but most more or less on time — students, like pregnant women, seek outside assistance. There are various official options — Pequod, Triangle, Smith-Shattuck — which range in quality and price. At these places a trained professional binds the thesis in a sterile environment, ensuring that it enters this world as safely and healthfully as possible.

A few opt for the "at home" method, binding their thesis the "natural way" with staples and tape. In these cases a trusted friend may serve as midwife, helping to lean on the stapler to drive it through the hundred-odd pages. To my knowledge no one has attempted an underwater binding, though it sounds quite relaxing.

And then you are done! Cradled in your arms, black and shiny, is a brand new monograph! Here the trajectories of theses and babies diverge. While, the new parent's responsibilities are just beginning those of the new author evaporate. He glides through a thin haze of sleep, parties, and general idleness.

Still, pregnancy and bearing a thesis to term share similar controversies. As Professor Fleming and Taufiq Rahim have asked on this page, are Princeton students too young to be having theses? Can everyone be a good thesis writer, or should some be encouraged to refrain? Both columnists come out in favor of the thesis, but not without expressing some reservations and suggesting reform.

Certainly efforts need to be made to improve prenatal care and to crack down on deadbeat advisers who plant the seed of inquiry but do not stay to tend the intellectual fruit they have engendered. But let me be unequivocal; the thesis is a fulfilling life experience. Though some people may never write one, finding joy in other ways, they are generally the poorer for it. Tom Hale is a Wilson School major from Saunderstown, R.I. He can be reached at thale@princeton.edu.