I knew that I wouldn't enjoy it. I'm not Christian. I'm not an aficionado of ancient Roman torture techniques. I'm not even a Mel Gibson fan. In fact, I'm precisely the sort of person who would hate "The Passion of the Christ" with a vehemence which William Donohue — president of the Catholic League and an unsightly blemish on last week's otherwise amazing Princeton panel on Gibson's movie — says is attributable only to a hatred of the Gospels and their message. I'm an overeducated atheist Jew-intellectual, a cardcarrying member of the secularist cultural elite, and as Monty Python put it in their own Passion film, a Red Sea pedestrian to boot.
But I knew I had to see the darn movie or be left out of the high-minded chitchat, which we cultural elitists can't seem to get enough of. And I was shocked by the offensive garbage which "Mel" (as his friend "Will" Donohue calls him) dares to put on the screen.
No, I'm not talking about the alleged anti-Semitism. Although I was admittedly weirded out by the bearded, hook-nosed guy screaming "Crucify him!" in a recognizably Hebrewish language, the movie can't accurately be called anti-Semitic. Sure, there are bad Jews in the movie, like that crazed priest guy and his gang, but there are plenty of good Jews too. Like Jesus, Mary and (all but one of) the apostles.
Instead, I'm worried about how viewers will react to Gibson's portrayal of midgets — or, as they now like to be called, little people. Although Gibson's film is filled with Jews both good and bad, it depicts all little people as minions of Satan.
The demon midgets first show up when Judas is under a tree whimpering in guilt; local urchins show up and, as kids are wont to do, start tormenting him. But these nice Jewish boys suddenly turn into demon midgets, freaking out both Judas and the entire audience. The fallen apostle promptly kills himself, and we survivors are left wondering what Gibson has against little people.
One of these demon midgets makes another appearance at the height of Jesus's lovingly depicted scourging. Satan, resembling the obviously disturbed director in this regard, looks on with glee as cackling centurions rip the skin off of Jesus. Just when things can't get any more distasteful, the demon midget of Judas' nightmare appears, cradled in the devil's arms and smiling menacingly.
What's the deal with this little person? Is he the anti-Christ? A personification of evil? Or just a freaky movie midget, like the ones in "Leprechaun," "Leprechaun 5: Leprechaun in the Hood" and "Leprechaun 6: Back 2 tha Hood?" Regardless, it's darn offensive that this mini-dude and his demon midget posse are the only little people in the movie. Surely Gibson could have included a little person or two among Christ's supporters, perhaps even as one of the Apostles. (We Jews tend to be pretty short anyway.)
Having refused to do so, Mel must be supporting an anti-little-person agenda, further evidence of which is provided in one of the strangest sequences in the movie. As is well known, the director ignored nearly all of Jesus' message and ministry, but he does provide an extended flashback about Jesus' carpentry. Here, we see the Christ working on a table, which his mother Mary chides him for making too tall.
"It's for a rich Roman," Jesus replies.
"Do rich Romans like to eat standing up?" Mary asks.
"No. I'm also making some tall chairs to go with it," says the Christ.
"It will never catch on," chides his mother.
Now, given that he excluded all the parables, most of the Sermon on the Mount, and the stuff condemning the rich, the powerful and the ostentatiously pious, why did Gibson choose to depict Jesus Christ as the inventor of the dining room set? Was it product placement for Ethan Allen? A suggestion that the rich might not be so bad after all? Or was it an attack on little people, implying that the table of Our Lord is high, and only the tall may sit at it?
Even if it may not be anti-midget in its intentions, "The Passion" is anti-midget in its effects. Gibson owes an apology to all little people, one which I suggest he should make on Fox's reality series "The Littlest Groom." Check your local listings. Michael Frazer is a politics graduate student from Riverdale, N.Y. He can be reached at mfrazer@princeton.edu.
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