Each year the same collection of Hollywood names and faces gathers to elect one of themselves to fill the everyday, typical, "give yourself a pat on the back" categories of best something-or-other. While Oprah and Ellen may have mastered the buzz of the daytime talk shows, I hardly feel them qualified to be the ultimate source of wisdom when it comes to distributing the coveted prizes. The categories, though sacred in tradition, appear equally bland and hardly worthy of the time they demand on network programming, which currently exceeds the length of the Super Bowl.
The Oscars have become the WNBA of uncreative television: Everyone acknowledges the skill of the fundamentals, but is secretly pining for the cinematic slam-dunk that will just never happen.
That said, perhaps it's time to buck the traditional method of award giving and launch a new system to celebrate, and commiserate, the movies that should've, could've and never in a million years would've won awards that might actually be deserving of the day-long event that is the Oscars.
I propose a system in which even chick-flicks get the occasional nod (and not just for their score) and there are consolation prizes just for not being part of the "Lord of the Rings." That said, I hereby announce the first annual celebration of my own WNBA, the Would Never Be Announced awards (cue introduction from underrated funny man Rick Reilly, who is also a nominee for the "Lifetime Achievement" you've-done-nothing-great-specifically,-but-lots-of-general-good-things Award.)
Best "Screw You Over" Ending goes to "Lord of the Rings" for each of the four times it almost ended.
Most Determined to Stick It to Joan Rivers goes to Diane Keaton, who wishes to thank her tie, hat and lapel flower.
Best Swashbuckling Elf goes to Orlando Bloom, whose determination to take the grunt roles brings a tear to all our eyes.
Best Acceptance Speech goes to Andrew Stanton (who?) for telling his wife he loves her, "just like he wrote on that note in eighth grade."
The "I'm Not (sniff) Going (dab) to (sniff) CRY" award goes to Charlize (sniff) Theron (sniff, sniff), who appears to be dealing with a hormonal imbalance and newfound insecurity stemming from starring in the hit Monster.
Most Unnecessarily Long Death Scene While Impaled in Nine Places goes to Trinity, from the Matrix 3. When a starlet's death soliloquy is muted by the muffled laughter in the audience until one brave soul yells "DIE ALREADY!" then the actress just makes it too easy.
Best White Samurai: Tom Cruise because, well, he's Tom Cruise. That and the judges didn't have a lot of choice, seeing as he was also the last.
Best Movie for Awards that Everyone Goes to the Bathroom During goes to the "Lord of the Rings" for apparently crafting a movie entirely of makeup, scenery and special effects. Oh yeah, and there might've been some people in it as well. With large ears.
Best Pirate in a Comedy: Johnny Depp, because until comedic roles receive their own categories, unmelodramatic talent will go unrewarded. Plus he looks amazing in runny eyeliner. Any man, who can do that deserves something for his troubles and loss of manhood.
Land Most Responsible for Success goes to New Zealand, which received more thanks and appreciation than any actor or actress actually in the movie.
Best "Faking It" Moment goes to Renée Zellweger during her acceptance of Best Supporting Actress in which she covered her mouth to conceal the almost blush resulting from the almost surprise of winning.
And, finally, the Horse and Hound award, presented by the ever adorable Hugh Grant goes to the understallion Seabiscuit for having "Horses . . . or hounds," but very little else to speak of.
Least Supporting Dress goes to Susan Sarandon.
And while "the academy" may be a long time in thanking anyone, much less me and my minor attempt at making waves under the Titanic that is the Oscars, I'll rest better tonight knowing that at least, just once, maybe one form of the WNBA is being cheered.
Though most likely, it'll still be the longest hour, or four, of your life.
Ashley Johnson is an English major from Florence, Ala. You can email her at ajohnson@princeton.edu.
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