There are four things in life a person can't escape: death, chicken pox, zits and Instant Messenger. The jarring sounds of receiving and sending messages online have become background noise in any college student's life. The little yellow man with one arm is on more computers than Paris Hilton. And believe me, that's a lot of computers.
One great thing about this omnipresent program is that everyone on it has to pick a name to go by — a handle if you will. Notice how whatever name it is a person picks, it's always way off? HotGurl69 is never hot, CoolGuy11 is never cool, and LameDave23 is never lame.
Some people escape these traps by making their messenger name their name with no frills. The problem with that plan is that at times some anonymity is valuable online. There's not a whole lot to say when your girlfriend's dad is online at their house and cullennewton23 pops up on the screen saying something ludicrously inappropriate.
Then there's the away message. I am a world authority on away messages, because checking them gives me something to do between the end of lunch and the beginning of dinner. The purpose of an away message, as I understand it, is to let people know where you are and what you are doing if you are away from your computer.
To this day, I have yet to see an away message like "hey, I'm at Dillon working out. Be back at 5." That'd be nice, wouldn't it? Chances are you'll get something like "hmmm" or "sigh" or "durnk." I guess the last one tells me what they're doing, just not where. And where is important.
The utter uselessness of the away message is summed up by my friend, who has had the same away message up without break for the last two years: "chillin lika villain." Two years. I don't think he knows he's signed on.
Even more useless than the away message is the profile. It's all well and good to put your other contact information in your profile, as many people do. God forbid someone might want to converse over a telephone line. It never stops there for girls, though. There have to be some cryptic quotes or poems to tell the world how they feel. If Dashboard Confessional or Dispatch ever collected on the use of their lyrics in profiles, they would be richer than they are. And like Paris Hilton, that's pretty rich. Guys are just too lazy to put anything in their profile, so I'm spared having to interpret poetry while scrolling down to find the man's cell number.
Speaking of lazy, how lazy are Americans that we had to shorten words and phrases so we don't have to type an extra three letters to someone? Next time you want to let someone know that you'll see them in a few hours, try using the word "later." Typing "l8r" literally saves you two letters of typing. It takes approximately a billionth of a second to type two letters; that's the time it takes whomever you're writing to decide they don't like you anymore. "LOL" is supposed to mean "laugh out loud," but it actually means, "Wow, I'm a tool." Try this: "haha," or even the tricky "hahaha." There is no way you're actually laughing out loud. If you are, "PITRWYTYRB." That's short for "people in the room with you think you're really bizarre."
To sum up, away messages are useless, profiles are useless and the mode of communication in general is pretty infuriating from its irritating acronyms to its nerve-rattling noises.
Why use Instant Messenger? Well, for one it's a great way to break copyright laws and send illegal music files at lightning speed on campus. It's also great for advertising your services if you're an online adult entertainment business. "Come to think of it Naugh-tyTammyXOXO, I would like to see your webcam!" If you've had too much to drink, it's a good way to tell everyone you know. You have no idea how many mornings I'm greeted with the informative, "JoshLovesBeast22: oh miuy gaod, sooooo mucih tooo9 dreeeenk!!@!"
Bottom line: Let's all block Instant Messenger and start talking.
L8r. Cullen Newton is a politics major from Washington, D.C. He can be reached at cnewton@princeton.edu. His column appears alternate Fridays.
Read More
Seniors deserve better than Jay Shetty
Izabela Konopka and Joshua YangWe are writing to express our strong disapproval of the selection of Jay Shetty as the 2025 Class Day speaker. We deserve better than a self-help guru and repeated plagiarist who runs a “school” that an expert claims exhibits “similar patterns” to a multi-level marketing scheme.
We are writing to express our strong disapproval of the selection of Jay Shetty as the 2025 Class Day speaker. We deserve better than a self-help guru and repeated plagiarist who runs a “school” that an expert claims exhibits “similar patterns” to a multi-level marketing scheme.
The CPUC must not gut its Judicial Committee
Bill HewittEnding the Judicial Committee’s jurisdiction over initial complaints would embolden abuses of power, allowing the administration to evade accountability for University rule violations without the pressure of student and faculty authority.
Ending the Judicial Committee’s jurisdiction over initial complaints would embolden abuses of power, allowing the administration to evade accountability for University rule violations without the pressure of student and faculty authority.
Princeton, let’s adopt a digital prox
Jorge ReyesTo prevent pointless replacement and lockout charges, maximize convenience, and create better access to meals and facilities, Princeton should follow the precedent set by some of its peers and adopt a digital prox system.
To prevent pointless replacement and lockout charges, maximize convenience, and create better access to meals and facilities, Princeton should follow the precedent set by some of its peers and adopt a digital prox system.