I am an intramural basketball "tweener." The guys I play with, we're all somewhat skilled and smart enough to hold our own on the court, but we're just not ripped. Sure, we lift, we run, we've even played some organized sports, but we're still looking for the miracle pill that makes us look like the offspring of Hercules.
We could play in the five-on-five basketball "A" league and get smoked by all the ex-varsity athletes and current varsity athletes just looking for a few giggles between practices, a video game set on "Rookie," or we could play in the "B" league and dominate against physical normals like us but who often lack the skill.
Of course, we choose the "B" league, but it's not a particularly good fit. The intramural program needs to add a "B+" league for guys like us.
Criticize us for not accepting a challenge if you must, but my word, have you seen some of these "A"-league teams? My favorite is Team Gold, which features Princeton football players Dave Splithoff, Matt Verbit, B.J. Szymanski, Jay McCareins, and the recently-departed Chisom Opara.
Now, let's analyze that team. Verbit played basketball here for awhile before focusing on football. McCareins and Splithoff are only two of the best athletes in the Ivies and, I don't know, they probably played some high school ball. Szymanski, after establishing himself as the best player on the football team, decided to play baseball and do the same there, too. And Opara, who may be the worst of those five, is a ridiculous athlete and throws down dunks like he's playing NBA Jam. Apparently negotiations with LeBron James and Jamal Wallace from Finding Forrester are coming along nicely.
You put some serious ink on that stat page!
Yeah, I'm going to bang the boards with Chisom and McCareins, both of whom would probably just leapfrog me for every rebound. I'll stick to the friendly confines of the "B" league.
Besides, the "A" league is so predictable. There are only two kinds of athletes there.
1. The Cross-Trainer: a varsity athlete in a different sport. See Team Gold for more information.
2. The Ex-Baller: the guys who don't play varsity sports here because they are only really good at basketball but just not quite good enough to wear the orange and black. Still good enough to tear me a new one.
Now look at the "B" league. It's all about diversity, and we're always preaching for that, aren't we?
1. The Guy Who Thinks He Should Be in the "A" League. He's iced out, he dribbles a lot, has an amazing ability to tune out everyone else on his team, then throws up shots that even Terry Porter would be ashamed of.
2. The White Guy Who Tries to do Too Much. Most teams have one. He scrambles to grab rebounds, which is great, but then he dribbles up court with that very deliberate, awkward motion and you get that same feeling I get whenever Wally Szczerbiak touches the ball, the feeling that you wish you could press a button that would make his legs stop moving and would order him to pass the ball as soon as possible.
Wally, stop running. Wally? WALLY!!
3. The Guy Who Just Has to Play With His Shirt Off. Okay, I'll admit, this one's about one specific kid. You know what? After five semesters, it's still not attractive.
4. The Guy Who Is Obviously Playing Because His Friends Goaded Him Into It. This guy has usually never touched a basketball in his life and will often settle into a role by the second half as "the guy who barely-legally boxes someone out so a teammate can grab the rebound" or something fun like that.
5. The Guy Who Can't Understand that He is the Only Athlete on the Team. This guy is usually on the residential college teams. He throws alley-oops and blistering no-looks and can't understand why his overweight, out-of-shape freshman friends can't throw it down.
6. The Unassuming Talent. This is the quiet guy who looks like he's just another body and then ends up burning you for 20 points, but doing so while still spreading the wealth and making whoever is defending him start blaming all his driving layups on a lack of help defense.
7. The Grad Student. Chances are that if he's bald, bearded, calls as many fouls and three-second violations as possible, or wants to have long discussions about the rules every dead ball, he's a grad student.
8. The Forward in a Guard's Body. My entire team is guard-sized but maybe two of us actually have the attributes to play guard.
9. The Guy Who Spazzes At the First Somewhat Questionable Foul Call and Proceeds to Call a Foul Whenever They Touch the Ball After. Often a derivative of The Grad Student, this rather annoying player does not need much further explanation.
10. Bone. I don't think this is his real name, but he's thin, lanky, talkative, he is very concerned with annunciating the correct score (Four-zeROH! Four-zeROH!), he always wears a skull cap while playing, and best of all: he doesn't call fouls. Cheers to you, Bone!
Perhaps indicative of my status on the fence between the two leagues is the fact that I play on one team in each league, 1-0 so far in each. Thankfully, we don't have to play Team Gold. I mean, I can tomahawk dunk, but...nevermind.
Read More
Women’s ice hockey names Courtney Kessel as new head coach
Lily PampolinaFollowing the resignation of Cara Gardner Morey, Princeton appointed Courtney Kessel as head coach.
Following the resignation of Cara Gardner Morey, Princeton appointed Courtney Kessel as head coach.
Former women’s basketball forward Parker Hill ’25 signs professional contract in Switzerland
Doug SchwartzAfter a successful senior season, women's basketball forward Parker Hill signed a contact to play professional basketball in Europe, following in the steps of her past teammates.
After a successful senior season, women's basketball forward Parker Hill signed a contact to play professional basketball in Europe, following in the steps of her past teammates.
No. 7 women’s lacrosse season ends in NCAA quarterfinals against No. 1 UNC
Hayk YengibaryanWith the loss, the career of senior attacker Mackenzie Blake comes to an end. Blake finished her career with a program-best 231 career goals and three first-team All-Ivy selections.
With the loss, the career of senior attacker Mackenzie Blake comes to an end. Blake finished her career with a program-best 231 career goals and three first-team All-Ivy selections.