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No place under the sun for new romantic flick starring Lane

In one of the tritest examples of a sub-genre that comprises platitudes gathered from the most clichéd chic-flicks of all time, "Under the Tuscan Sun" brilliantly dodges all possible relation to reality.

In her second directing-writing combination Audrey Wells ("Guinevere") bores the audience to tears in the overly-romanticized story of a middle-aged woman, Frances (Diane Lane of "Unfaithful" and "The Perfect Storm"), whose whims lead her to construct an idealized and impossible life in beautiful Tuscany.

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Saving the film from utter disaster is the irresistible natural beauty of the Tuscan landscape and the accompanying technical competence of cinematographer Geoffrey Simpson ("Little Women" and "Fried Green Tomatoes"), as well as the humor evoked by the utter absurdity of the film's self-serious gushing blather.

After losing her adulterous husband, Frances takes a "romantic" trip to Tuscany on the advice of her best friend Patti (Sandra Oh of "Arli$$" and "Full Frontal"). While in Tuscany, she buys a shambolic Tuscan villa on a whim from a dashing, younger-male real-estate agent who immediately is taken by her.

Frances goes on to work and enjoy a series of bizarre and ridiculous miracles that only a film designed to appeal to the fantasies of middle-aged women could conscience. Twenty-year younger men throw themselves at her, desiring other than to pleasure her. Frances hires a group of bumbling fools to fix up her house for pennies and yet transforms it effortlessly into a palace. She unites two adolescent lovers, overcoming the prejudices of their parents concerning their youth. She brings joy to Patti who is pregnant and recently has broken up with her girlfriend. Frances enjoys the limitless beauty and absolute perfection of Italy, an area of the world that is in reality just as textured and flawed as any other. She tours the sights of all Italy and is inspired to write great novels once again. All this without her or any of her Tuscan friends ever facing serious language barriers, having to work to support themselves, or confronting any of the difficulties of life worse than stuffy parents insensitive to teenage libido, promiscuous men or moody lesbian lovers.

Even in the areas where the film reaches for a foothold, it falters. The romance is utterly shallow and we never understand, beyond sexual attraction, why any of the lovers feel emotions for their partners.

The film attempts to construct an interesting character in Katherine (Lindsay Duncan of "An Ideal Husband"), a flamboyant American living in Tuscany who Frances befriends. Katherine comes out as frivolous, underdeveloped and devoid of motivation; that is to say, lacking in real human interest.

To make matters worse, Lane gives a totally flat and unbelievable performance, seeming to more be indulging her personal fantasy life through the film than to be acting the role of a supposedly intellectual elite university professor (at a nonexistent top-ranked San Francisco-based university, nonetheless). And while Oh, a reasonably good character actor, gives her standard shtick, she fails to make any substantial positive impact on the film.

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To give credit where it is due, however, Tuscany is an undeniably beautiful choice of location and some shots in the film would indubitably make excellent postcards. After an hour of mind-numbing over-romanticism, however, it is hard to separate the overwhelming loveliness of the landscape from the insipidity of the film's tone.

Furthermore, the cinematography's power is brute force; it involves technically well-shot pictures of countryside, but no real creativity or artistry of design or vision. As for the humor of the film, the ludicrous absurdity may be enough to sustain some through the film's first hour, but its effect is strongly diminishing beyond that point and is not likely to compensate for the eye-gouging saccharine sweetness of the movie's overall flavor.

This film was likely designed to appeal to women seeking romantic escape; I strongly caution anyone outside of this demographic from wasting $6. Even for those in this film's target audience, I suspect that its affected tone and thoroughgoing lack of realism will alienate even the most ardent devotee of the chick-flick genre. For those with nothing better to do with their time, the film shows at the Princeton Garden Theaters at 6:45 p.m. and 9:15 p.m.

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