Weary of the persistent public nudity and general annoyance associated with the men's lightweight crew team, the athletic department today announced its replacement with a men's superheavyweight crew program.
The new sport features tremendous athletes who must weight in at no less than 285 pounds the Friday before the event.
In order to rid the campus of the pesky lightweights, who might rise in protest against the change, the University plans to feed them to the new superheavyweight rowers.
"I really think it's the least wasteful alternative," assistant director of athletics Kurt K]ehl said. "After so much dieting, these lightweights should make a tasty, protein rich diet that leaves out all those gooey fats we hope our new superheavys will try to avoid."
The lightweights received little sympathy from their heavyweight mates.
"Frankly, I was tired of hearing all their crap about being 'more efficient' rowers," men's heavyweight captain Sean McCormick said. "[Lightweights are] kind of the red-headed step-children of the sport anyway."
Superheavyweight rowing is not yet recognized by the NCAA, but it has grown rapidly in popularity, which comes from the sport's idiosyncracies. Finding themselves too big to compete in the traditional sleek racing shells, athletes have taken to battling it out while perched atop large inflatable ducks.
"I fully believe that the inflatable ducky is the superior floating device for superheavyweights," new head coach James McPherson said, adding, "I can see this sport truly taking off in the next few years."
The presence of McPherson, the legendary history professor and bane of graduate students everywhere, has added legitimacy to the sport, which for years has struggled to outstrip Beirut and curling for recognition on college campuses.
"Our rowers face the stigma of having been called 'fatty-fat fat fat,' by their classmates since they were young and sent away to 'special' summer camps," McPherson said. "Now we're just giving them a chance for payback."
Read More
Women’s ice hockey names Courtney Kessel as new head coach
Lily PampolinaFollowing the resignation of Cara Gardner Morey, Princeton appointed Courtney Kessel as head coach.
Following the resignation of Cara Gardner Morey, Princeton appointed Courtney Kessel as head coach.
Former women’s basketball forward Parker Hill ’25 signs professional contract in Switzerland
Doug SchwartzAfter a successful senior season, women's basketball forward Parker Hill signed a contact to play professional basketball in Europe, following in the steps of her past teammates.
After a successful senior season, women's basketball forward Parker Hill signed a contact to play professional basketball in Europe, following in the steps of her past teammates.
No. 7 women’s lacrosse season ends in NCAA quarterfinals against No. 1 UNC
Hayk YengibaryanWith the loss, the career of senior attacker Mackenzie Blake comes to an end. Blake finished her career with a program-best 231 career goals and three first-team All-Ivy selections.
With the loss, the career of senior attacker Mackenzie Blake comes to an end. Blake finished her career with a program-best 231 career goals and three first-team All-Ivy selections.