Wanting to have it all

Let's talk about self-indulgence. A man who orders a seven course meal is self-indulgent. A woman who shops in designer boutiques is self-indulgent. A university that spends hundreds of thousands of dollars on dinner parties and fireworks and multiple sundials is self-indulgent. There is nothing wrong with any of these things. And so there should be nothing wrong with this column being totally self-indulgent. It's a Cinderella situation, my fairy godreaders, and you get to sit and pour over the long list of things that I wish I could have. But it's not entirely my glass-slipper dreams; I think perhaps even you can relate.

I want a home-cooked meal. I want a new color of Kinko's paper to be developed so I don't have to keep looking at lampposts covered in theater ads in Lift-Off Lemon and Sunburst Yellow. I want codes on the men's bathrooms so that they can know what it's like to REALLY have to go and take the time to clumsily punch in a stupid three number code that all the guys in the building know anyway.

I want to know what Tiger Food tastes like when it's hot. I want my alarm clock to nudge me awake and ask me how I like my eggs. I want to see grad students in pastel colors. I want the gym to smell potpourri fresh. I want to go to a club with DJ Bob and not hear "Brown-Eyed Girl." I want George from Hoagie Haven to come into a lot of money and retire a happy man.

I want light brown M & Ms to come back. I want the fire inspectors to fluff my pillows when they inspect my room. I want the U2 section of the U-store to play the "Joshua Tree" album all night and day. I want beer-repellent black pants. I want townie-repellent black pants. I want Clippy the Microsoft Office assistant dead.

I want to collect royalties from my thesis advisor for every chapter he reads. I want the creator of Napster to be canonized. I want it to be my birthday. I want a Rhodes Scholar to do my laundry just for the story. I want to read a 'Prince' op-ed that has nothing to do with politics, grad students or 'revolutionary' suggestions on how to improve blah blah blah at the University.

I want to steal books from Firestone Library just to give the bag-check security guard some excitement. I want the sixth residential college to be sketchy. I want a ban on using glamour shots for the facebook. I want Russell Crowe to believe in love-at-first-sight, and when he comes here next month, I want him to see me first.

I want Roy G. Biv himself to explain my Astro problem set to me. I want a 'Wa Boli. I want the Ethical Thought and Moral Values distribution area to be replaced by a Small Talk and Socializing requirement. I want to see what Hal Shapiro looks like in a hairpiece.

I want to know what it is to shower without someone flushing. I want each dorm to have its own puppy. I want to turn in a paper written entirely on post-it notes. I want to see what happens when Newman's Day and Parents Weekend collide. I want to have my homework assignments involve coloring with crayons.

I want to wrap my preceptors around my little finger. I want a gladiator fight in the stadium. I want to be the new university president.

But right now I guess I'd settle for Prince Charming. Jen Adams '01 is a psychology major from Ogdesnburg, N.Y. She can be reached at jladams@princeton.edu.