Phantom troll booth

People think I just sit here all day and yell at innocent motorists who are trying to park their cars. Well, that was the old me in the old booth. I am a new person, and now there's a lot more to my job than sitting and scratching.

I am the first line of Princeton's defense. I even got to give President Clinton one of those green passes when he came to campus. He told me I reminded him of a cute intern he once knew.

Training for this job was tough. You don't believe me? Try downing 40 Twinkies in less than 30 minutes and see how you feel.

I love my job because it gives me the chance to read in my free time, which is most of the time actually. Those Waldo books are my favorite. Damn, that little striped dude is hard to find.

And sometimes when I can't find that little bugger, I take out my frustrations on the students who drive up.

They think they're so cool with their Princeton bumper stickers. It's just a charade. I know that in the back of that trunk, they are hiding something — a body, stolen cash or several kilos of nose candy. I want all of them. The body, the money, the drugs and especially the drugs.

There's an element of danger that comes with this job. My partner was shot last year when he decided to break up a huge keg party in Brown . . . OK, fine, some drunk students just pissed down his throat and he quit because he couldn't get the salty taste out of his mouth, but it's dangerous nonetheless. And don't even ask me about the Nude Olympics training.

I made a promise to myself after he quit. I would bust the balls of every kid who tried to park his car anywhere — even if it was a perfectly reasonable place to park, like in front of his dorm when he had a lot of luggage and it was raining.

I miss my old booth down near Lot 23. They've put me closer to campus, further away from the parking lot. At least I'm closer to Dillon where the Airporter drops off the students. Damn those drivers are good-looking. I try to keep them at my booth for an extra few minutes. Those black pants and red jackets. So hot, so fine.