University students have found themselves terrorized in the past few days by rabid squirrels. The animals appear to be infected with a rare strain of rabies that makes them more intelligent in addition to becoming ferocious, growing to the size of dogs, and frothing at the mouth.
“I walked into my room and found one of them sitting at my desk. It deleted my thesis and sent my professor an inappropriate email before I could chase it away with my lacrosse stick,” Billy Bob Jones ’17 said.
The scene on campus this week has been highly dangerous as squirrels “chase after students, tackle them, bite them, insult th—” one source said, whose name could not be obtained before she was taken out by one of the rabid animals.
“I’ve never seen anything like this before in my career,” University Animal Control Services Director Jonathan Smith said. “Well, I have, but I’m legally obligated not to discuss that right now.”
The Office of Admission attempted to contact admitted students in the Class of 2021 to alleviate their fears about coming to campus, but a group of the squirrels altered the message to state that their acceptances were being rescinded and that they would never live up to their parents’ expectations anyway.
Some of the squirrels were seen in the registrar’s office hanging up Harvard posters and deflating students’ grades. Others chased freshmen through FitzRandolph Gate to make sure they will never graduate.
The University is doing everything it can to fix this issue before everyone goes nuts, according to a statement by the Office of Communications.
*This article is part of The Daily Princetonian's annual joke issue. Don't believe everything you read on the internet!*