Fifteen hundred students were spotted walking around in squirrel onesies as part of a new protest to make squirrels the new mascot of the University.
Callme Nutty ’18, the leader of the Squirrel Movement, said that the movement began in response to some papers found in the Mudd Manuscript Library.
The papers claimed that squirrels were supposed to be the mascot for the University, according to proposals drafted by Bruce Wayne ’39.
Wayne was unavailable for comment as he was allegedly at war with Catwoman.
“Squirrels should be the mascots of this great institution because they’re so cute,” the papers claimed, according to Nutty, “and cats like lions or tigers are too violent.”
According to Nutty, the paper went on to detail reasons for choosing squirrels as the mascot, which focused on their preparedness for the future in collecting their food before every winter and forgetting to take out buried nuts, which grew into trees.
The original squirrel papers could not be traced as tigers allegedly ate them 50 years ago.
Nutty said that the squirrel has always been the University’s official mascot in secret. He added that the acorn-like shape of the University crest and the multiple paintings of squirrels on University campus, such as in the Whitman college dining hall, were proof that squirrels are the true mascot of the University.
“It is time we respect the squirrel,” Nutty said on behalf of the protestors. “We ask that you bow in respect every time you see a squirrel.”
Nutty said that the student protestors are calling for three additional changes — all tiger statues around campus should be replaced with squirrel statues made of acorns, Tiger Inn should change its name to Squirrel Inn and the University cheer should replace the word “tiger” with “squirrel.”
The protestors entered the office of University President Christopher Eisgruber ’83 through a burrow tunnel they dug up on Thursday and threatened him, according to Baewatch, Eisgruber’s bodyguard.
“Those nasty little creatures threatened to steal all of the great President’s buried treasures if he did not listen to their requests,” Baewatch said.
Eisgruber was unavailable for comment as he was filling the holes in his office floor.
While the final verdict is still pending, the Undergraduate Student Government has also joined in on these protests in response to student votes in favor of the protests.
The USG has asked the University to extend winter break to allow for appropriate hibernation for the Princeton squirrels.
All University students, except those participating in varsity sports with a winter season, were in favor of the squirrel as a mascot.
Lifeof Pi, captain of the University’s ice hockey team, said that it was unethical for the winter athletes to be asked to hibernate and change from their sports to acorn picking.
Nutty and other student protestors declined to respond to Pi’s concerns as they were hibernating.
*This article is part of The Daily Princetonian's annual joke issue. Don't believe everything you read on the internet!*
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