Ryan uses stolen U. fans to beat Jets*

Last week, the New York Jets fell to the Buffalo Bills under excessively strong winds, believed to be generated by fans stolen from the University by former Jets head coach, Rex Ryan.

One year ago, Ryan was found to be camping out in Princeton Stadium, living in a small shanty made out of tackling dummies and scarves, sticking pins into Mark Sanchez voodoo dolls, all while University President Christopher Eisgruber ’83 brought him three meals each day and listened to profanity-laced tirades against various members of the Jets organization. Just days after The Daily Princetonian reported on the situation, Ryan was hired by the Bills to be their new head coach. The day after he was hired, an eyewitness reported something resembling a Sasquatch dressed in blue, red and white running through the stadium parking lot, loading what looked like orange and black industrial grade fans into the back of a van. Later that day, the industrial grade fans that the football team uses to dry dirty laundry were reported missing.

Last Sunday, Jan. 3, the Jets faced off against the Bills with winds gusting up to 28 miles per hour. The night before, Eisgruber, an avid Jets fan, camped out in front of the Ralph Wilson Stadium in Orchard Park, N.Y., in order to secure a prime tailgate spot for the next day. Eisgruber claimed to have seen the former University squatter with what appeared to be the stolen fans.

“There were a number of what looked like Bills players gathered around a fire, burning Jets paraphernalia and painting what appeared to be the stolen black and orange industrial grade fans with blue paint. They just kept repeating, over and over, ‘Rex means king.’ It was all very upsetting. You think you know someone, you feed them three meals a day, and they go and turn an NFL team into a cult,” Eisgruber said.

The following day, fans were spotted around the top of the Ralph Wilson Stadium, and are thought to be what caused the strong winds that gave both teams so much trouble.

When contacted, Ryan denied what he called “untrue accusations,” and voiced disappointment over Eisgruber’s allegations. “That guy was my best friend. He picked me up when I was down and listened to everything I had to say. It hurts me, you know?”

*This article is part of The Daily Princetonian's annual joke issue. Don't believe everything you read on the internet!*