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Students at the University have convened in an “Occupy Princeton” protest against what they say is the undue expensiveness of the Orange Bubble.

The students have pledged to boycott all dining hall food and all food sold in University-run establishments such as the University Store, Studio ’34 and the C-Store, and to boycott books sold by Labyrinth Books. Students have also staged mass bonfires to burn their Pequods.

When asked about the purpose of the protest, William Hartsough ’19 said that people who sell books and food to students have been taking advantage of the monopoly they have on campus to make high profits.

“When I was on OA there was a giant tick on my leg that engorged itself on my blood. The University and Labyrinth are like that tick,” he said. “I feel like I’m stuck in a bubble where everything is artificially elevated to obscenely high prices.”

Hartsough and other students added that they have no idea why food and books cost so much on campus, and that the University has not offered sufficient explanation. Katie Lipton ’18 said that she thinks Occupy Princeton follows on a tradition of protesting that goes back to the 1960s.

“In the ’60s people burned their draft cards,” he said. “Now we’re burning Pequods.”

Spokespeople from Wawa and Papa John’s Pizza explained jubilantly that without the dining hall, students have been frequently getting food from them and their profits are booming. Hartsough said that students have been buying books on Amazon rather than Labyrinth, but Amazon workers were slumped at their desks from exhaustion and did not respond to a request for comment.

The protests follow an alleged “Belshazzar’s Feast” in which unnamed University officials and outside partners convened around a table in Nassau Hall to celebrate making large sums of money from students. The climax of the dinner occurred during an alleged toast.

“And you know what the best part of this is?” the person allegedly said. “We’re making all this money, and the University doesn’t even pay taxes because — get this — it’s a nonprofit institution!”

Pequod producers, dining hall executives and Labyrinth spokespeople said that this “Belshazzar’s Feast” is a fabrication and that all fees are accounted for in the books.

New Jersey state senator Verry Contemptuous said that the University students are a “bunch of whiners” and that the norm among college students today is to protest anything they do not like.

“Next thing you know, women will be protesting about the fact that they have to wait longer at public restrooms and smokers on campus will be protesting not being allowed to smoke in public buildings,” he said. “Not everything is a conspiracy.”

*This article is part of The Daily Princetonian's annual joke issue. Don't believe everything you read on the internet!*

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