The Princeton Police Department is training an elite squad of undercover policemen, known as “The Temperance 10,” to apprehend underage drinkers on campus and outside liquor stores in town.

“I was put on this earth with one God-given mission in life,” said police chief Carry Nation II, who trained the recruits and was responsible for selecting them. “To make sure that no one 20 years, 364 days, 23 hours, 59 minutes and 59 seconds and younger gets away with the heinous offense of consuming alcohol.”

Nation explained that training for a spot in The Temperance 10 is grueling and that only the most determined can survive it. Volunteers are taken to a remote swamp to receive instruction from Soda, the Temperance Master, who was named after the only carbonated beverage he ever drank and was exiled to his swamp after the repeal of Prohibition in 1933. Nation said she could not speak to the specifics of the training, but it includes stealth exercises so that students can sneak up on unsuspecting patrons, as well as shape-shifting.

When asked about the shape-shifting, Nation explained that all Temperance 10 members can change their appearances at will in order to appear in multiple different identities, including fraternity brothers or ordinary Princeton civilians, and thus be better able to catch students unawares.

Soda could not be reached for comment.

Most of the current Temperance 10 declined to comment, but one member agreed to speak on the condition of anonymity. He explained that he knew his calling at the age of 8, when he had a nightmare that the pirate on the front of the Captain Morgan spiced rum handles was stabbing his 20-year-old brother to death.

“No man, woman or child should have to go through what I went through that night, and I knew that I had to be the one to put a stop to it,” he said.

The member noted that the most difficult part of his job is not the job itself, but keeping his job secret from his friends and his girlfriend. He added that he sometimes worries that deranged underage drinkers will kidnap his girlfriend and hold her hostage on the room of a 50-story building.

He added that his faith was tested once, when he received a job offer from Goldman Sachs, but that he is resolute in his determination to stamp out the bane of underage drinking.

“We have been endowed with unique abilities,” he said, “and with great power comes great responsibility. The city of Princeton needs us.”

*This article is part of The Daily Princetonian's annual joke issue. Don't believe everything you read on the internet!*

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