Secret injection of trackers along with the meningitis vaccine has been identified as the cause for the painful post-meningitis-vaccine “meng arm” in freshmen, according to an investigation conducted by the Undergraduate Student Government.
The first tracker was discovered in Iliketobelieve Imspecial ’19 when he underwent a full body scan for undisclosed medical reasons.
“I was looking at my scan reports when suddenly I saw this little device with the Princeton logo embedded in my arm,” Imspecial said.
Imspecial added that the device was identified as a tracker by zooming in on and studying the scans, since the device could not be removed.
“This is Princeton we’re talking about,” Imspecial said. “Of course they found a way to make the tracker irremovable. I’m just surprised that it wasn’t invisible.”
USG decided to investigate the entire student body for trackers, even though Imspecial explained that he was probably the only student the University cared about injecting.
USG held body-wide scanning for all students in Frist Campus Center on Friday to find out if more students had been injected with the tracker. All students who got scanned were promised alcohol to ensure that they would enjoy the next Orange and Black Ball, according to USG president Joke Candidate ’16.
“At first we thought that the trackers were only for the perpetually lost and excited frosh on Outdoor Action trips,” Candidate explained, “but upon scanning the student body we found that every student had a tracker.”
USG senators then went to Executive Director of University Health ServicesJohn Kolligian to ask for an explanation, according to Candidate.
Kolligian revealed that meningitis B was a scam meant to enable the University to inject freshmen with the trackers. He added that the Food and Drug Administration only approved the “vaccine” after a year because the University delivered its bribes late.
“We need a way to keep track of all the freshmen who kept getting lost,” Kolligan said. “However, we also needed to avoid undermining their confidence. The secret task force assigned to the task took 25 years to come to this solution.”
Kolligian explained that the trackers were injected after multiple calls to the Department of Public Safety from lost freshmen who could only use “gothic architecture” to identify their location.
Kolligian added that two maps like the Marauder’s Map in the Harry Potter books sit in South Baker and Nassau Hall to track student movements for safety and entertainment purposes respectively.
Candidate said that USG suspects other reasons for the trackers, such as being able to recognize freshmen after they put on the Freshman 15 and trying to make the University diversify to Hunger Games references from only Harry Potter references.
*This article is part of The Daily Princetonian's annual joke issue. Don't believe everything you read on the internet!*