The Daily Princetonian will be disbanding at the end of January following University spokesperson Martin Mbugua’s departure from the University, outgoing Editor-in-Chief Anna Mazarakis said.

“It’s simple, really,” Mazarakis said, wiping her eyes with an issue of the ‘Prince.’ “Without Martin to decline to comment on our articles, we cannot function as a news organization.”

Mbugua declined to comment for this article.

Associate News Editor Do-Hyeong Myeong ’17 said that she admired Mbugua’s professionalism and dedication, and that her time at the ‘Prince’ would not have been the same without him.

“He declined to comment for me once and it was the most beautifully written thing I’d ever seen,” Myeong said. “It made Fitzgerald’s prose look like ‘Fifty Shades of Grey.’ ”

Mazarakis explained that the ‘Prince’ will also be holding a memorial service in honor of Mbugua at 48 University Place. After being invited to speak about him, students will be invited to present their own original ‘declined to comment’ compositions in prose and poetry forms including but not limited to haiku, Shakespearean sonnets and Bee Gees disco.

She added that the ‘Prince’ will be using the remainder of its funds to erect a statue of Mbugua outside 48 University Place, and that the ‘Prince’ will be manufacturing Mbugua bobbleheads as keepsakes for its writers.

Former Editor-in-Chief Marcelo Rochabrun ’15 said that he will be returning to Princeton to play ‘Daily Prince Issue in the Wind,’ an original composition in honor of Mbugua, on the flute. He added that no recordings of the song will be permitted, but he will repeat it as many times as people like to ensure accurate transcription.

“It’s what Martin would have wanted,” Rochabrun said.

University vice president of communications Dan Day said that while the University does not yet know who will be Mbugua’s replacement, applicants for the position will come from all walks of life and will represent the University in the best possible way.

*This article is part of The Daily Princetonian's annual joke issue. Don't believe everything you read on the internet!*

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