In the midst of a frazzled rant, a friend interrupted me to ask, “Is this making you feel any better?” Walking through campus, I had been poring over a seemingly endless list of upcoming projects, assignments and other miscellaneous problems I proclaimed simply could not be solved. Now we were eating lunch, and I had not touched my food or taken my jacket off. I had walked into the Butler/Wilson dining hall, sat down and, without taking a breath, delved right back into my tirade.
I grew up in a house where we talked about everything: what we ate for breakfast, what we ate for lunch, how we felt about said meals. Nothing was off limits. And, in the interest of not “bottling things up,” perhaps there was an inclination to dwell on meaningless difficulties.
I’m not alone in my partiality to self-pity; a cursory glance at Yik Yak reveals a campus penchant for commiserating. From senior thesis woes to midterm miseries, complaints amass.
There is no doubt that talking about our problems is crucial. Certainly, nobody should feel pressure to present a perfect front when things are far from alright. Forcing ourselves to disguise and conceal our problems does not make them disappear, and sometimes, just reading about others’ trials is soothing, reminding us of a larger, complicated and problem-filled world around us.
A psychological study published in the Journal of Social Psychology examines the benefits of whining — if done right. According to the study, if complainers focus on how their problems can be positively resolved, rather than simply on what the problems are, complaining can be a constructive activity.
“Perhaps people who are more mindful modulate the type of complaints they offer, preferring to engage in instrumental types of complaints over expressive complaints, thereby expressing complaints only when they believe they will accomplish desired outcomes,” the study says.
However, as psychiatrist Eric Berne writes in “Games People Play,” sometimes complaining is not about seeking advice and aiming to improve a situation. Sometimes complaining is satisfying simply because of the sympathy it solicits. Sometimes we just want people to commiserate with us, to validate our feelings and give us the right to be upset.
Furthermore, group commiseration can be bonding. One reason my family is close is certainly because we are able to share freely.
So, perhaps my ranting should have been a source of great relief. Whether it be in communally constructing a plan to tackle my problems or in soliciting sympathy, the virtues of complaining seem to abound. And yet, despite all of this, when my friend asked if our conversation was making me feel better, I answered “No.” No, discussing all of my assorted problems was not satisfying. Instead of feeling release, feeling my problems dissipate and dissolve by naming and sharing them, I felt weighed down and exhausted by our chat.
Research on teenage “co-rumination” found that individuals who spend time rehashing and revisiting problems without making any progress in tackling them are likely to experience emotional consequences. According to the study, “Because co-rumination involves a perseverative focus on the details of problems, it also may cause problems to seem more significant and harder to resolve. This could lead to more worries and concerns about problems and associated anxiety symptoms.” Continually returning to the same unresolved problems can be exhausting, as well as anxiety and depression-inducing.
Obsessively discussing the same things and dwelling on the same complaints and concerns can enlarge our problems and get us stuck in a slump instead of preparing us to effectively confront challenges. The adverse effects of this negative mindset can potentially spread to our friends. Research shows that negative attitudes and anxiety are contagious; dwelling on our problems draws our friends into the same patterns.
While sharing is an important part of any relationship, there is a balance to strike between addressing problems and letting these problems define us. Some problems are solvable; sometimes when we seek assistance from parents and peers we get meaningful advice. But, sometimes, discussing stress only begets more stress. If we find ourselves talking about the same thing over and over again with no desirable outcome in sight, it may be time to change the subject.
Julia Case-Levine is a freshman from New York, N.Y. She can be reached at juliacc@princeton.edu.
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