Vitamin quotas lifted from Princeton squash*

Princeton men’s and women’s squash, formally Cucurbita princetoniensis, enter the 2015 season as one of the ripest bunches in the College Squash Association. This Saturday, these Orange and Black specimens will compete with the Harvard, pride of the Cambridge County Fair and recipients of last year’s national Blue Ribbon. Princeton will turn its attention to Dartmouth the following day, hosting a more isolated special noted for its largeness and green color.

Since the fall of 2005 and the institution of certain agricultural regulations, Princeton squash have exhibited an equal distribution of vitamins A, B and C; however, such quotas have been lifted after much debate. With the regulations quashed at the beginning of this season, it remains to be seen how Tiger nutrition will evolve.

“I like to think that the right attitude is the seed of success,” head coach Jack Gourdon said of his forecast. “If we approach matches with confidence, we should be able to carve up our opponents with relative ease.”

Squash has served as a source of sustenance in the Americas since before the advent of colonialism. Today, across the nation, squash enthusiasts compete in cultivating yields of the largest size or most distinct shape. The convenience of hollowed gourds make them valuable for storage, and their vibrant colors have made them hallmarks of naturalistic ornamentation.

When asked about the prospects of this season’s crop, junior Michael LeBlanc, a Cucurbita p. specimen noted for his characteristically hard exocarp and nutritious, fleshy interior, responded, “What are you talking about? How could inanimate agricultural produce compete intercollegiately?”

With this statement, LeBlanc cuts right to the marrow of what has been troubling hungry spectators at Jadwin Gymnasium for years, ever since Prince Will-yam III of House Orange-Nassau began cultivating the fields of then-New Netherland and established college squash at Princeton.

Members of the water polo team responded in a similar fashion, saying that the assumption that water polo entails riding horses underwater is an overplayed joke.

In a previously conducted interview, junior goalkeeper Alex Gow said, “Actually, I love that joke. I wish people would tell it more often. You play water polo? Don’t the horses drown?!” The Daily Princetonian's polygraph machine, first used by Woodrow Wilson, Class of 1879, on a reported fraternity member, was unable to detect any hints of sarcasm in the California-native’s voice.

Zoltan Dudas, fencing head coach and a first-team member of The Daily Princetonian's all-name squad, has not responded for comment on the question of whether his team plans to use metal or wood in its upcoming bouts.

“Most fans only consider the end product,” Gourdon noted. “But a lot of work goes into growing a winning bunch, from vine to sprout, as it were.”

The Jadwin faithful will have a number of opportunities to see the fruits of the squad’s labor, including a pair of Ivy League matchups this upcoming weekend.

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