Dear Sexpert,
I’ve been seeing this guy (let’s call him Dan) for a while, and we started having sex recently. At first, it was really bad. I just felt awkward and self-conscious and wasn’t enjoying myself at all. I had a similar experience in high school, but I only slept with my high school boyfriend a few times. I assumed it would get better once I had more experience, but Dan and I have had sex a lot, and it’s still weird. I’m not sure exactly what’s wrong, but I’m definitely not having orgasms like the ones in Cosmo magazine or in the movies. Am I just bad at sex? I’m not sure I want to bring it up with Dan —that would be embarrassing. Help!
Sincerely,
Not-so-good in Bed
Dear Not-so,
One of the great things about sex is that there is no right or wrong way to do it. There is only what you and your partner find mutually desirable. Every single person’s body is different, so even if someone is experienced at sex, they won’t necessarily know how to please a new partner. It’s also true that what someone wants at one point in time may not be what they want at another. In other words, people differ from each other, and a person’s likes or dislikes can also change.
So, how do you know what Dan wants? How does Dan know what you want? How can you both enjoy sex more? The answer is to communicate with each other! One of the most unrealistic things about sex in movies and TV shows is that there is little verbal communication. In media, sex partners seem to read minds, when in reality, good communication is the key. It’s totally natural to feel weird bringing this up with Dan, but it’s important to face your fears and do it. A few techniques you can use are “I-statements” and “the sandwich method” —don’t worry, it’s not a sex move involving food! The sandwich method is a way of giving someone feedback in a nice way, with a compliment, then a constructive criticism and then another compliment. Try to use I-statements to give feedback; that is, make yourself the subject of the sentence. For example,“I love how you are really spontaneous about wanting to hook up – it’s fun and makes me feel wanted. Sometimes, though, I feel like there’s not enough foreplay before we have sex. You’re such a good kisser, so maybe in general we could spend more time making out before we have sex?”
In terms of comparing your experiences to movies and magazines, remember that what you’re seeing is unrealistic. Popular images suggest that you have to have sex a certain way to have satisfying sex. But in movies, teams of people, from make-up artists to lighting experts to choreographers, make everything appear perfect. Learning to recognize those images as unrealistic will help you enjoy real sex. Also, while films and TV shows suggest that “good” sex always results in mutual orgasm, that may not always happen.Like much of life, sex is just as much about the journey as the destination. Openly communicating will help youbothhave a fulfilling experience during sex!
Enjoy yourself,
The Sexpert
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