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This article is part of The Daily Princetonian's annual joke issue. Don't believe everything you read on the internet.

Q: What was your “welcome to college” moment?

A: My freshman year, we were drinking soda in TI while playing a game called “catch the ball,” where if you catch the ball you drink (soda), and if you drop the ball you drink (soda). Well, one of the seniors in the room threw me the ball and said, “Drink (soda) McLovin!” Ever since, that nickname has stuck. That’s when I said to myself, “I’m not in Greenwich anymore!”

Q: What is the greatest highlight of your sports career?

A: Getting into TI is definitely the highlight of my sports career. One thing that needs to be understood is that Bicker is a game, and, in this one, I won.

Q: Who is your quirkiest teammate? Why?

A: I’m not gonna name names, but the elusive night masturbator our Sophomore year: Ed Casserley.

Q: What has been your most embarrassing moment at Princeton?

A: So many, but I’ll only choose two. One time Freshman year, I was really trying to impress my politics preceptor by showing her how well I understood the reading, but, when I got to class, I discovered that I had done the wrong reading! 200 pages I’ll never get back! Also during my Freshman year, on a road trip, I could not, for the life of me, tell whether the vehicle next to us was a salt truck or a milk truck, so I asked Philip Sopher, who very confidently proclaimed that it was a salt truck. “Geez!” I thought to myself, “Do milk trucks even exist anymore???”

Q: What’s the best part about being an athlete on campus?

A: Being able to hang out in the hot-tub of the training room and sleeze on jacked chicks in sports bras. Definitely.

Q: What’s the worst/hardest part about being an athlete on campus?

A: For me, it is trying to convince people that I am actually an athlete. Once I convince people of this fact, I then have to show that, even though I am an athlete, I am also a person, ya know, with a pulse. Non-athletes get way too caught up with the muscularity and imposing physiques of athletes.

Q: What’s your favorite thing to do when you’re not practicing?

A: I enjoy golf, watching CNN, discussing the markets, talking about bicker, and preparing for job interviews.

Q: If not women’s squash, what other sport would you play?

A: Definitely women’s golf. I really know how to stick it in the hole … wink wink.

Q: What would you do if you were coach for a day?

A: I would throw a bachelor party for Dave Letourneau, who is getting married this summer to Alana D’Alfonso. Congrats Dave!

Q: What’s your favorite class you’ve taken at Princeton so far?

A: I really pride myself on dominating super easy classes. That way, when I get an A, I can say that I’m smarter than certain ORF majors, like David MacDonald, who slave to get B+’s (laughable). So, let’s see, probably GEO 210B.

Q: Who gets the most girls on the team? (Who has the most game off the field?)

A: Freshman year, it was definitely Matt Callahan until he fell in love, but, now it’s Pete Callahan, who has been riding Matt’s coattails ever since Matt went off the market. I guess it helps that drunk girls sometimes think he’s Matt.

Q: Do you have a particular pre-game ritual?

A: I just like to visualize hitting my targets. When I hit a tin or a loose ball during a match, I will sometimes say the word “targets” out loud just to re-focus. It really annoys my teammates, but, whatever, I do a lot of things that annoy my teammates.

Q: Is there any music in particular that inspires you?

A: I don’t really know much about music, but I do know that I can’t stand that techno stuff David Pena likes to play in the locker room. If I wanted annoying background noise, I would turn my radio onto a scratchy wavelength!

Q: What’s the most embarrassing song on your iPod?

A: “Like a Virgin,” by Madonna. Definitely.

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