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Satire

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Bat séance planned after students sense creature’s aura in Frist Campus Center

The bat that invaded Frist Campus Center earlier this semester returned to campus on New Year’s Day to haunt undergraduates preparing for finals. Students reported sensing the bat’s aura upon returning to campus for reading week. Undergraduate Student Government has agreed to host a séance on Thursday night for students who wish to venerate the bat in exchange for good luck on their exams. 

NEWS | 01/09/2019

First bonfire since 2013 draws large crowd

New bonfire policy requires all 37 varsity teams to beat Harvard and Yale

With concerns rising over the inclusivity levels of the bonfire tradition, Princeton has updated the requirements to earning a bonfire. With all 37 teams now required to beat Harvard and Yale in the same season, future classes will be able to rejoice at the equality of the event, coupled with the relative ease in earning it.

SATIRE | 01/08/2019

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[JOKE ISSUE] Travel funding

Student secures most travel funding ever for single project

Yur Jellus, a sophomore from Lawrenceville, N.J., broke the record for the greatest amount of travel funding for a single independent research project at the University. This summer, the Wilson School concentrator will travel to the dark side of the moon, the bottom of the Pacific Ocean’s Mariana Trench, and the geographic center of Antarctica as part of his academic exploration of “diplomacy through solitude.”

NEWS | 01/08/2019