Satire

Bat séance planned after students sense creature’s aura in Frist Campus Center

The bat that invaded Frist Campus Center earlier this semester returned to campus on New Year’s Day to haunt undergraduates preparing for finals. Students reported sensing the bat’s aura upon returning to campus for reading week. Undergraduate Student Government has agreed to host a séance on Thursday night for students who wish to venerate the bat in exchange for good luck on their exams. 

USG president Virk ’20 faces allegations of Russian interference

A flyer for the Zarnab Virk ’20 Undergraduate Student Government (USG) presidential campaign was found translated into Russian and lying on the floor of the Slavic languages and literatures department, causing campus officials to speculate about possible collusion.

Princeton Athletics makes ‘sweeping’ changes, adds men’s curling for 2019

In 2018, the world watched in awe as curling took center stage for the Winter Olympics. Capitalizing on the interest in the sport and a potentially untapped market, the University has decided to add a 36th team to the varsity list, starting in 2019. 

“He Bellows” conference recognizes male achievements

Last Friday, the University held its first ever “He Bellows” conference celebrating male domination in fields like politics, technology, and the military. Notable alumni guests included U.S. Senator Ted Cruz (R) ’92, Google’s Eric Schmidt ’76, and former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld ’54.

New bonfire policy requires all 37 varsity teams to beat Harvard and Yale

With concerns rising over the inclusivity levels of the bonfire tradition, Princeton has updated the requirements to earning a bonfire. With all 37 teams now required to beat Harvard and Yale in the same season, future classes will be able to rejoice at the equality of the event, coupled with the relative ease in earning it.

I support the Tigertones Men’s March

I wholeheartedly support the Tones’ effort to push back against our female supremacist culture’s dehumanization of the red-blooded American male. 

Mother of Freshman 15-gainer sues Campus Dining

 Sue Talot, mother of a first-year student, filed a lawsuit against the University Campus Dining on Tuesday, claiming the service of “late meal” inflicted irreparable damage on her daughter, Ella Talot ’22. 

Student secures most travel funding ever for single project

Yur Jellus, a sophomore from Lawrenceville, N.J., broke the record for the greatest amount of travel funding for a single independent research project at the University. This summer, the Wilson School concentrator will travel to the dark side of the moon, the bottom of the Pacific Ocean’s Mariana Trench, and the geographic center of Antarctica as part of his academic exploration of “diplomacy through solitude.”

Bezos Residential College fails to help independent students

One year after the opening of Bezos Residential College, an investigation conducted by The Daily Princetonian found independent residents suffer from diabetes, paper cuts. First-year students in Bezos said their transition to campus was negatively impacted because they never left their dorm rooms.

Third week of University border security shutdown begins

The University is heading into the third week of its shutdown, caused by a debate over campus border security. 

A more honorable honor code

Cheating and dissent should be greeted with mandatory transport to Yale University; only favorites will be embraced by the comparatively warm, protectively soothing arms of a swift death.

Student starts most exclusive eating club yet

Jim Olaf ’19 was never a fan of the Bicker process. He found the process overall morally disingenuous, vaguely illiberal, and almost entirely lacking in empathy. But Olaf had a vision: a process that, instead, would be morally reprehensible, completely illiberal, and entirely lacking empathy.

Rabid squirrels terrorize campus*

The next frontier in plant rights*

Football team to be treated for uncontrollable “dabbing” outbreak*

Eisgruber '83 to complete Prospect 11*

Student garners acclaim for innovative Instagram of Nassau Hall in the snow*