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Satire

Jill Dolan Virtual Commencement

‘Here’s Jilly!’: How Dean Dolan took control of Nassau Hall

Excluded from the Ivy League presidents’ group chat, Dean Jill Dolan decided to stage a coup. After a failed barricade and tumultuous battle, Dolan claimed victory, declaring herself President of the University. From life in the aftermath, The Daily Princetonian releases a month-long investigation charting Dolan’s rise to power.

SATIRE | 11/30/2020

Frick Chemistry Building

‘Take it into my own hands’: Molecular biology graduate student develops COVID-19 vaccine

Antonia Foochi, a second year graduate student in the Department of Molecular Biology, developed a COVID-19 vaccine in the Lewis Thomas Laboratory over the summer. She spent the fall testing the vaccine on students in her MOL214 precept — to great success.

SATIRE | 11/30/2020

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Squirrels in Firestone stressed over finals, lack motivation to finish up the semester

With significantly fewer students around, many campus squirrels feel this has been a time to establish a solid footing on campus. The squirrels were able to set up their own Furrinceton University, but are feeling the pressure as finals near. Their wish? For the students to return, and with them, normal life.

SATIRE | 11/30/2020

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Introducing the ‘Micrasuit’: Princeton releases new plan to open Prospect Avenue

In an effort to balance campus safety with student social life, administrators have created an innovative plan to open the Street next semester: hazmat party suits. “[The suit will] allow students to ‘get lit’ without compromising social distancing and safety. The style is very in with the youth,” Eisgruber explained in a video announcement.

SATIRE | 11/30/2020

Ted Cruz headshot

Princeton Law School emerges from underground

After over a century and a half of underground operations, Princeton Law School (PLS) has finally reinstated its public presence. Previously thought to have closed in 1852 due to financial problems, PLS instead moved into a system of catacombs under the University’s campus. “Students learn how to revere — really, worship — the Constitution,” said the Dean of PLS, Sen. Ted Cruz (R-T.X.) ’92 LS ’95.

SATIRE | 11/30/2020

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new honor code

Honor Committee adds "pirating 'Paul Blart Mall Cop 2'" to list of crimes punishable by year-long suspension and crippling social exclusion

Henceforth undergraduates will be required to sign a pledge whenever accessing the University WiFi “I pledge my honor that I have not pirated Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2, and have no intention of pirating Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2.”

NEWS | 01/07/2020

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