In a late vote Thursday night, over 500 squirrels voted to unionize and form Nutcrackers Local 522. The vote was marred by allegations leveled against organizers by chipmunks that accused the organizers of leaving them out of the process. These protests were discarded after attendants were reminded that it was time to hibernate.
“CHEHEHEHEHE,” said one voter after all acorns had been counted. “CHEHCHEHEH HEHCHE! WHEHEHSHHEHEHWH!”
Multiple other voters scurried away after being approached by reporters from The Daily Princetonian.
The vote came after a contentious tourist season during which many squirrels felt they were being taken advantage of by the University.
“The squirrels of Princeton University are tired of being the face of the University and not receiving just compensation,” said Jeff Zymeri ’20, who served as a legal consultant for the squirrels’ pro-union movement. “They are forced to beg for their food, beg! What kind of life is that? By banding together, we can force the University to come to the table and bargain in good faith, instead of buying us off with birdseed. Well, not us. I don’t eat birdseed. The University feeds me.”
“We ... really don’t know what to do about this,” said a spokesperson for Princeton Graduate Students United. “Are they an AFL-CIO affiliate?”
Chip and Dale, chipmunks opposed to the union, voiced discontent with the union's formation.
“Squirrels live a charmed life on campus. They already get handouts from everyone on campus,” Dale said as he waited in line to snatch boba tea away from a study break.
A squirrel by Firestone Library countered those claims, explaining “HEHASHCHEHCHE HCEHCEH CHECHHECHEH,” as she went about digging up nuts.
“Are you serious? Get out of my office!” said University President Christopher Eisgruber ’83 when questioned by the ‘Prince’ about the union. Due to Eisgruber's greatly diminished open office hours, reporters, alongside union representatives, had to climb the ivy on Nassau Hall to reach Eisgruber's office.
An email sent later in the day to union representatives indicated that the University was going to decline to recognize the union.
Former University spokesperson Martin Mbugua declined to comment.
This article is part of The Daily Princetonian’s annual joke issue. Don’t believe everything you read on the Internet!