Tuesday, September 22

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Arm Princeton’s squirrels

Everyone has a right to arms under the Second Amendment. It is therefore immoral and illegal to deny our most vulnerable citizens their right to self-protection. Squirrels, who are people too, live in a precarious balance of life and death. We can only improve the balance on life’s side by providing more firearms. Everyone knows that more guns equals more life, and we love our squirrels, so why would we not want them to have more life? In my belief, officers in the Department of Public Safety should not have guns, but the squirrels should. Why? Frankly, I trust squirrels more than police officers. Also, they are cute and fuzzy, so how could they possibly take life unnecessarily? The only way to protect our second amendment rights is to make sure that the government can’t take our guns. That will be significantly easier if we also arm our wildlife. This is a good idea and has no problems.

Also, all the guns should be AR-15s.

Ryan Born is a junior in Philosophy from Washington, Mich. He can be reached at rcborn@princeton.edu. 

This article is part of The Daily Princetonian’s annual joke issue. Don’t believe everything you read on the Internet!