For the presidency, orange has become the new black. For the Princeton men’s basketball team, however, black is the new orange. Following his eight years at the helm of the United States, President Barack Obama 'S85 announced in a surprise press conference that he would be playing guard for the Princeton men’s basketball team.
“Ball is life,” Obama said. “And I intend to live to the fullest.”
Standing at 6’1”, 175 pounds, the longtime basketball fanatic is sure to become a contributor right away on a Tigers team raring to go in the hunt for the Ivy League crown. Princeton (8-6 overall, 1-0 Ivy League) is sure to benefit from both the strong shooting and veteran leadership from the nation’s Baller-in-Chief.
“The experience he brings to this squad, it’s just not something you see every day,” men’s basketball coach Mitch Henderson ’98 said. “The skill and savvy he’s shown in the last eight years at the White House will be an incredible asset to our young guys. We’ve seen him stunt on his opponents for the last eight years, and the fact that he’s bringing that swagger and charisma to our squad? Incredible.”
Obama, moreover, expects to fit in comfortably with this already talented squad. With his array of finishing moves (having pulverized John McCain and Mitt Romney in ’08 and ’12, respectively), and a sweet jump shot, Obama is a force to be reckoned with on the offensive end. The Tigers, shooting 38 percent from downtown as a team already, can only be bolstered by his presence.
“I’m about to drop long-range bombs on ‘em like I’m SEAL Team Six,” Obama said.
“He performed in the clutch in ’08, and I’m sure he’ll be our go-to closer for the rest of this season,” Henderson beamed.
Concerns of course will be on the defensive end. His block totals are surprisingly low, even for a guard. Having failed to block Donald Trump from the presidency, one can only wonder whether Barry O will be swift enough to keep the guards in the Ancient Eight from blowing past him to the rim.
True to form, Obama expressed little concern for his future foes, and showed great confidence on his ability to improve as the season went on.
“I’m stepping into a great team with an incredible coaching staff, and my defensive stats are going to skyrocket over time,” Obama said. “It’s about to be some NBA 2K level stuff right here.”
“I’m about to be stealing more balls than Russian steals elections,” he quipped.
One thing is for certain — in whatever minutes he gets, and in whatever role he plays, Obama is about to Barack the Ivy League. Let the other teams beware.
(Reports that Jared Kushner attempted to buy a spot on the Harvard men’s basketball team remain uncertain).
*This article is part of The Daily Princetonian's annual joke issue.