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Headliners and Headshakers

1. Chancellor Green masturbator torments students, conspicuously pleasures self during trying academic times

2. U. reveals new dark, looming Wawa design inspired by dystopian teen lit


3. Department of Public Safety moves in on Forbes drug cartel during after-hours fire alarm evacuation

4. Uninvolved feminists report to vote for female USG presidential candidate, don’t realize both frontrunners women