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Headliners and Headshakers

1. Chancellor Green masturbator torments students, conspicuously pleasures self during trying academic times

2. U. reveals new dark, looming Wawa design inspired by dystopian teen lit

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3. Department of Public Safety moves in on Forbes drug cartel during after-hours fire alarm evacuation

4. Uninvolved feminists report to vote for female USG presidential candidate, don’t realize both frontrunners women

 

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