Ask the Sexpert: Feb. 9, 2012

Dear Sexpert,

I know a guy who calls himself “asexual,” but he dates girls. Can he do that?

—Confused

Dear Confused,

Like any personal identity label, self-identifying as asexual is very personal. The best we can do is to accept others’ self-conceptions instead of trying to figure them out based on things we can observe.

Some estimates put the percentage of asexual people in the population at nearly 1 percent, though the definition of asexuality means different things to different people. For some, asexuality means a lack of any desire at all for an intimate relationship, while others do not feel sexual attraction but may feel romantic and physical attraction. In other cases, people may feel sexual attraction but not enjoy the act of sex. Many asexual people still want to pursue romantic and physical relationships with others. These relationships could be with someone of the opposite gender, of the same gender or without respect to gender, thus giving asexuality all the complexities of the sexual spectrum.

Obviously, there could be tension in a relationship between someone who is asexual and someone who is not. Often this just means coming to an agreement about sexual contact. Asexual people may desire and enjoy kissing or cuddling but not want to have sex. What is important here, as always, is for both parties to know what the other wants and what they are willing to do.

It may be difficult at first for some people to understand asexuality, especially as it varies so much from person to person. An asexual person who wants no sexual or romantic relationship may find him/herself constantly misunderstood by well-wishing friends and family, and an asexual person who is looking for a romantic or physical relationship with someone may be met with opposition to a sexless relationship. However, with honesty and open-mindedness from asexual and non-asexual people alike, these gaps can be bridged and asexual people can lead perfectly happy and fulfilling lives.

There are many online resources where you can find out more about asexuality, including the Asexual Visibility and Education Network. Here on campus, the Lesbian Gay Bisexual and Transgender Center offers programming for asexual people and related issues, including Princeton Aces for asexual students, and is a great resource for people of all kinds to learn about sexuality and relationships.

— The Sexpert

The Sexpert is written by a team of peer sexual health educators and fact-checked by University health professionals. You can submit questions to sexpert@dailyprincetonian.com. Don’t be shy!