'One Blood'

“Sharpay’s strong hands massaged her back, while his mouth did things to hers she’d never imagined.” Yeah. That just happened.

In the words of author E. F. Watkins, “One Blood” is a “dark, paranormal, romantic suspense” novel. So right off the bat we understand that we’re dealing with vampires. And not just any vampires — sexy, sexy-sex vampires. By now, most of you should know the drill: Girl meets boy, girl falls in love with boy, boy is a vampire, boy resists his bloodthirsty impulses, boy and girl live happily ever after. “One Blood” does nothing to subvert this formula, but in addition to the novel taking place on the Princeton campus, there are a couple of twists to the genre that I found entertaining.

First of all, the vampire, who is referred to as John Sharpay throughout most of the novel, is Dracula. Like, actually THE Dracula. In the universe of “One Blood,” a fictionalized version of Bram Stoker spent the final years of his life trying to convince the public that his novel was actually a non-fiction account of his clashes with a real vampire. The protagonist of “One Blood,” Kathleen Van Braam, is the grandchild of the fictional Bram Stoker. Let’s hope Kathleen’s into S&M.

Van Braam, to her credit, is a smart, reasonable woman — she does her research, figures out Sharpay’s past, struggles with the atrocities that Sharpay committed in his human life and then fucks him. Yay! Unfortunately, Van Braam is also a rather unrealistic protagonist. She is beautiful, athletic, intelligent and a renowned doctor of archaeology employed by Princeton University, and she knows Taekwondo. Despite her extreme success in literally every capacity, she has one major flaw: She can’t find a man. Van Braam’s friends decide that her failure to settle down is a result of her being too “overqualified” for a relationship. After all, what kind of man would want to date a woman who is perfect? Gross. Thank God vampires are here to pick up that kind of trash, huh?

Besides the two main characters, there is a smattering of side characters that play their own wandering and unfocused roles, including a Russian that would surely have been a KGB agent if the Cold War hadn’t gone and ended before Watkins wrote this book, an unemployed Mexican man trying to avenge the death of his cleaning-lady wife, and — most entertainingly — a Princeton undergraduate who is being preyed on by Sharpay while attempting to overcome her alcoholism. Said alcoholic behavior? Drinking and going to parties regularly and blacking out a couple of times over the course of the year — some truly shocking and unfamiliar territory.

Overall, the references to Princeton University can only be described as exhausting. The first half of the book is so peppered with Princeton details and geography that I had to make sure Watkins did not attend the University. She did not, but clearly her research was intense. Everything from the black squirrels to the inexplicable round sculpture up near West College to the eating clubs is mentioned. The scariest part of the book is the scene where two characters are almost hit by a bicyclist while walking through campus. A little too true to life.

Also, this:“They fell into the queue outside Zorba’s Grill, a homey takeout spot popular with both students and faculty for its tasty salads and sandwiches at reasonable prices.”

The characters in this book literally cannot get enough of Zorba’s. They love that shit. This and a few other references are the only signs that would suggest Watkins did not actually attend Princeton. Seriously, no one goes to Zorba’s. And I don’t think anyone ever calls Cap and Gown “the C and G.”

My recommendation: Read this book if you have already made up your mind to read a trashy vampire novel, because this one takes place at Princeton. Alternatively, read “Twilight” but close your eyes and shout “PRINCETONPRINCETONPRINCETON” every time the location of the novel is mentioned or described.