Ask the Sexpert: Oct. 13, 2011

Dear Sexpert,

I’m a freshman, and my friend is dating a senior. He seems to be having a really good time with his boyfriend, but he seems to be completely monopolizing my friend’s time. When I do get to spend time with him, they seem to be constantly texting, and the senior calls several times to check up on him. I’m worried this relationship may be abusive. What should I do?

—Worried

Dear Worried,

Let us start by saying we know of many healthy and happy relationships that have begun when one partner was a senior and the other was a freshman. That being said, you bring up an interesting question more generally about relationships with unequal power dynamics. Whether it be a relationship between a freshman and a senior, the leader of a campus group and a participant, an

eating club officer and a member (or hopeful member), or even the forbidden Outdoor Action leader and freshman or Residential College Adviser

relationships with freshmen in their college or any ’zee in their zone (no snooze, no booze!), there are numerous instances when you or a friend may find yourself in a relationship where there is some inequality in power. While all relationships may have potential to be abusive, relationships with unequal power dynamics may be more likely to be abusive than others.

If you suspect that your friend is in an abusive relationship, my first suggestion is to talk to the friend about it. Let him know that you’re there for him if he ever wants anyone to talk to, and try to get a better sense of the dynamics in their relationship. Remember that abuse can take many forms — not just physical, but also emotional/psychological, sexual and economic (for example: paying for someone to come to formals and then using that as leverage for sex or other favors), to name a few. If, after having this conversation, you’re still worried about potential abuse, suggest that your friend take advantage of some of the many resources available on campus for couples, including your RCA, Sexual Health Advisors, Sexual Harrassment/Assault Advising, Resources and Education (SHARE), the LGBT center and couples (or individual) counseling at McCosh. If your friend does not want to utilize any of these resources, feel free to go to one of these advisers without him; they will be able to confidentially figure out how to best support your friend during this time.

Remember that all you can do is be a good friend to him — ultimately, only he can decide whether he feels that the relationship is abusive and that he wants help. However, by letting him know that you’re there for him, and making sure he knows about the resources available to couples on campus, you’re showing him that he has a supportive network of friends to fall back on. He’s lucky to have you looking out for him.

— The Sexpert

The Sexpert is written by a team of peer sexual health educators and fact-checked by University health professionals. You can submit questions to sexpert@dailyprincetonian.com. Don’t be shy!