Prefrosh letters I wish I had sent

Dear Readers,

In the vein of college acceptances and soul-crippling, ego-destroying, world-shattering rejection letters, here are a collection of miscellaneous letters with information of the highest caliber. Please enjoy these messages while you imagine them on the back of obnoxious Princeton postcards.

xoxo

This is not Gossip Girl,

Dixon

Dear Admission Office,

I hear you have finally finished your college admission bingo. No, no, don’t try to deny it. I know that every December you begin an intense three months of playing an elaborate game of bingo to decide which applicants to accept. Anyway, despite your horrible choice of admission game (I think pin the tail on the accepted application would be much faster and effective), I have a serious suggestion for improving Princeton Preview weekend.

Instead of matching up prefrosh with their hosts in residential colleges, there should be a hunt. Hosts should be given tiger suits. (Yes, the school would pay for these. I know you have the money. Mathey College would have a camel if it were environmentally friendly.) Hosts would then get pictures of their guests and have to chase them down in tiger suits. What says “Welcome to Princeton” better than running away from your future classmates?

With condescending counsel,

Dixon

Dear Prefrosh Me,

Take the lanyard off your neck.

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Seriously concerned about my public image,

Dixon

Dear President Shirley Tilghman,

Turn on the weather machine.

Soaked and sulking,

Dixon

Dear University Administration,

While I think confused prefrosh are adorable and it’s important for admitted students to preview the campus, I don’t think there’s enough incentive for hosts. We all love Princeton, or at least I hope we do since we are hosting, but a T-shirt isn’t enough. As a reward for hosting baby tigers, also known as prefrosh, I think that the administration should throw a compensatory Princeton Puppy Preview.

The concept is simple. As a reward for hosting, Princeton Preview hosts would be rewarded with temporary puppies. Whenever we get sick of the puppies, or when they turn into dogs and are no longer as charming and cute, we would organize another wonderfully alliterate event: Dinky Dog Departure.

Am I barking up the wrong tree?

Dixon

Dear Prefrosh,

You will miss your pets. Here is a letter within a letter in my collection of letters that will hopefully help you realize the real difficulties of Princeton life: Public Safety does not allow real pets in the rooms.

Miss you Scruffy,

Dixon