Ask the Sexpert: Dec. 9, 2010

Dear Sexpert,

My boyfriend and I have been happily together for more than two years, and our relationship is both emotionally and sexually healthy. However, there remains a small problem that we — or, rather, I — have yet to address: I’ve never had an orgasm. Sometimes sex is just too intense and I end up faking orgasms to please my partner. Is this normal for a woman? And more importantly, how can I fix it?

— Orgasmically Frustrated

Dear Frustrated,

There are many reasons for inability to orgasm: a lack of sexual libido; traumatic sexual experiences during adolescence or youth; delayed female ejaculation or ejaculation without experiencing an orgasm; a lack of awareness about sex, orgasms or what type of clitoral and/or vaginal stimulation works for you; heath conditions that can affect blood-hormone levels; and medications, such as antidepressants, that can reduce libido.

It can be extremely emotionally frustrating and mentally exhausting for those unable to climax, especially for those who have been with the same partner for a while. Whatever the reason for it, the most important thing to consider is that you are not alone: Both men and women can have trouble reaching orgasm. Nevertheless, it is important to know the facts when it comes to the Big O.

Recent studies show that the majority of women (close to 70 percent) are unable to climax from sexual intercourse alone. A large percentage of women also fake orgasms for various reasons during sexual intercourse. Whereas a man is able to ejaculate (and orgasm) via thrusting and penetration, the majority of women need both vaginal and clitoral stimulation. Luckily, there are many resources out there to help.

You should not feel embarrassed to discuss this issue with your partner. If your relationship is as healthy as you say it is, he will be more than understanding. That being said, some couples get easily embarrassed when talking about sexual issues. If your boyfriend has no idea that orgasming is a problem for you, he could get offended when you talk to him about it. It is therefore important to introduce the topic in a sensitive way so he does not feel as though you are being accusatory or upset with him. You could try, for example, mentioning the 70 percent statistic at the beginning of your conversation, or perhaps mention that your friend isn’t orgasming with her boyfriend to gauge how he reacts to the situation. However you introduce the topic, make sure to stress that your inability to orgasm is not contingent on his abilities.

As I said before, there are resources available both on and off campus that can help solve this issue. University Health Services offers free counseling for individuals and couples for those with the Student Health Plan. There are also numerous sexual health professionals that are available to talk to on campus; all you have to do is call UHS to schedule an appointment. You could also try sex toys or exploring yourself sexually (via masturbation) so sex doesn’t feel “too intense” or uncomfortable.

— The Sexpert

The Sexpert is written by a team of peer sexual health educators and fact-checked by University health professionals. You can submit questions to sexpert@dailyprincetonian.com. Don’t be shy!