Tigers aim for losing, injuries

After a disappointing first half to the season, Guy Gadowsky, the head coach for the men’s hockey team called a press conference yesterday to reveal the new strategy Princeton has employed.

“Essentially what we’re trying to do is have the boys lose a little bit,” Gadowsky said. “I mean not actual games, in theory, but we’re definitely aiming to have some deficits to overcome.

“Oh, and injuries, those are key too,” he added.

Gadowsky said the end to the Tigers’ 2008-2009 season spurred the bold approach. Princeton’s season ended when they lost to Minnesota-Duluth in a 5-4 overtime heartbreaker during the first round of the NCAA tournament.

The Tigers held a 4-2 lead with less than a minute remaining in the game, but UMD scored a pair of extra attacker goals in the final 40 seconds, including one with 0.8 seconds on the clock, to tie the game. The Bulldogs went on to win in OT.

“I looked back on that game, trying to figure out where we went wrong, and I realized there was one thing that they had for the first three periods that we didn’t… losing,” Gadowsky explained.

The contest against UMD closely mirrored Princeton’s ECAC semifinal game against Cornell, which the Tigers ultimately lost 4-3 in double-overtime. Much like the UMD game Princeton held a two-goal lead late in the third period and gave it up.

The heartbreaking losses inspired Gadowsky to take a new approach, thanks in large part to input from senior goalie and reigning ECAC Player of the Year Zane Kalemba.

“I approached coach and told him that this shit wasn’t fair,” Kalemba explained. “I mean, you look at the tape — they had more guys on the ice than us.”

Kalemba was referring to the fact that both last-minute UMD goals came after the Bulldogs had pulled their goalie and were playing with an extra attacker.

“I mean honestly,” Kalemba said. “If they have more guys than us, obviously they’re going to score. It’s pretty fucked up.”

Gadowsky agreed with Kalemba, and has subsequently instructed his goalies — Kalemba and junior Alan Reynolds — to give up goals so the Tigers can place an extra attacker on the ice.

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“Hey, I learned my lesson last year. I’m like David Caruso on CSI:Miami — won’t get fooled again,” said Gadowsky, slipping on his pair of designer Oakley sunglasses and walking away from the camera.

The head coach also revealed that he’d been experimenting with injuries to change the Tigers’ luck.

“Listen, last year, after a great season — I mean, a really, really great season — we fell apart at the end of the year,” Gadowsky explained. “Why? Because we were healthy. Shit don’t fly around here.”

Sure enough, Princeton was the healthiest it had been all season, thanks largely to the return of then-junior forward Cam MacIntyre who had missed most of the season.

“Yeah, we got Mac back. Sweet, right? Wrong, asshole,” Gadowsky yelled to no one in particular during his 90-minute rant. “I mean I know he’s like ‘really good’ and ‘maybe our best player,’ but fuck that. We lost didn’t we?”

As a result, Gadowsky decided to ensure some of his key players would sustain substantial injuries during the course of the season.

“Probably the best idea coach has had this season is when we played Whack-a-Captain over break,” sophomore defenseman Derrick Pallis said. “Essentially, he made this big board with holes in it, and then just had Pedey [senior defenseman Jody Pederson], Kais [senior forward Kevin Kaiser] and Mac pop their heads out every so often. Then we got to whack them in the head with our sticks!”

Pederson and Kaiser have both been sidelined indefinitely with concussions.

“Ultimately it just comes down to how badly you want it,” Gadowsky said. “These boys — these men — have shown they’re willing to risk some serious brain damage to win it all.”

In spite of the inconsistent results that Princeton has achieved thus far this season, Gadowsky has confidence that the Tigers will be able to turn it around in time for the playoffs.

“I mean, we’ve had so much success in recent years, these guys have forgotten how to lose the right way,” he said. “It’s the one skill they lack that’s holding us back from being real contenders.”

Though a number of the team’s players were reluctant to try Gadowsky’s new strategy, they quickly hopped on board after re-watching the Mighty Ducks trilogy.

“Did the Ducks beat the Hawks right away in D1? Fuck no. They were a bunch of bitches and they got their asses beat,” junior forward Kevin Lohry explained. “But then Bombay got up in there, went all hyphey on them, and ruled they some ass."

“D2? Same deal. Iceland was the shit. Ran all over Team U.S.A. Then that bitch from Dawson’s Creek found the kid with the knuckle-puck and it was all over. Plus Julie ‘The Cat’ Gaffney was fine as hell. Ducks win,” Lohry added. “Anyway, those guys knew how to lose. Someday I hope we can say the same.”

With half the season left and the playoffs just around the corner, Gadowsky has confidence that the Tigers can bounce back and reach the NCAA tournament for a third year in a row.

Not everyone, however, was so optimistic.

“They can’t really be doing that,” said Landis Stankievech ’08, a former member of the team and current Rhodes Scholar. “That’s the stupidest fucking thing I’ve ever heard.”

This article is part of The Daily Princetonian's annual joke issue. Don't believe everything you read on the internet.