Ask a Grad Student — March 26, 2009

Ever wonder about those mysterious, slightly older Princetonians who teach your precepts and then seem to disappear off the face of the earth? Our anonymous grad student has the answers. In this issue: advice to a prospective grad student and how to interpret grad students on the prowl.

Q: I'm in my junior year, and, with the economy going the way it is, I'm thinking of becoming a grad student. Any advice?

A: Don't.

Or at least, don't do it because the economy went south and that sweet gig at Lehman Brothers ain't gonna come through. Go to grad school because you love academic inquiry and can't imagine a life that doesn't involve it.

Look, a Ph.D. program is a five to-eight-year apprenticeship during which you will likely be paid poorly, treated like crap by undergrads, treated as slave labor by faculty and nagged constantly by family members about when you're going to get a "real" job. You'll be surrounded by really smart people who will be running circles around you because while you're just there for the (tiny) paycheck, they actually want to spend 16 hours a day researching late-16th-century German piano construction or whatever.

When the time comes to look for a job, those nerds will get the few tenure-track positions still available because they published a bunch of articles in the Journal of Early Modern Piano History while you were pining away for a six-figure Wall Street paycheck. You, meanwhile, will get stuck teaching six sections per semester of History 101 at Eastnorthwest Crappy State Community College because you couldn't sustain enough interest in your topic to write a good dissertation.

No offense to history scholars. Or piano scholars. OK, some offense to piano scholars - those people are jackasses.

What's that? You're not driven by the economy? You really can't imagine life without studying German piano construction? Then God bless! Get thee to a Ph.D. program!

But first, make sure you've done your research. Talk to some grad students in the field. Talk to professors, particularly junior professors who know how rough the academic job market is. Read PHD Comics. Know that you are sacrificing lifetime earnings and most of your mid-20s getting a degree that will overqualify you for most private-sector jobs. Know what the word "adjunct" means. And if you still want to be an academic, start practicing for the GRE.

Q: Do you guys realize how creepy you seem on the Street?

A: Is this Jenny, from Two Articles of Clothing Night? Because I tried to call you, but the number you gave me went to a dry cleaner. It is Jenny, right? Because that's what you told me, but your friends were calling you something else.

I mean, I have no idea. The thing is - and I'm speaking for male grad students here - most of us know that we'll be seen as creeps if we go out to the Street. Most of us try to avoid being creepy. So instead of hitting on women who are half a decade younger than we are, we generally stick to the D-bar, grad student parties or New York bars where we can spend most of our stipends on $6 beers. Trust me, getting shot down by a woman for whom you just bought a $6 beer is way better than getting shot down by a woman you might have in precept next semester.

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Male grad students who go to the Street fall into three categories: those without the social awareness to realize that they're creepy, those without the shame to care that they're creepy and those who are cool enough to pass as undergrads. Since you probably don't realize that the people in category three are grad students, all you see are the weirdos in categories one and two.

As a grad student, I like creating categories for things. This probably isn't helping my chances with Jenny.

"Ask a Grad Student" is written by a Ph.D. student. His name is withheld because, well it should be pretty obvious from this week's column.