Ask The Sexpert — Sept. 25, 2008

I have chosen to abstain from sexual intercourse until marriage, but this doesn't mean that I'm not interested in having a relationship on campus or in pursuing other types of sexual activities. How can I make my boundaries known and stick to them without either driving people off or loosing someone I care about?

- Abstaining but Sexual

Dear Abstaining but Sexual,

First of all, I think that you have made great progress in being able to stick to your decision by discussing it openly and frankly. It is very important, when talking about boundaries, to know where yours lie, and it seems that you know where that line is for you. Congratulations!

As for the second part of your question: Not to sound like your mother or anything, but if a potential dating partner is not able to accept your boundaries, then quite frankly this person is not worth your time! This may sound harsh, but oh how true it is. As wonderful as you may be, ultimately you should not have to defend yourself to the person whom you are with. If you find yourself having to do that, consider the other person's argument in an effort to be fair, but trust your instincts. And if your potential partner is pushing you too hard, get out and get out fast!

Of course, for the previous paragraph to have any bearing at all, you first have to be willing and able to talk to your partner about your sexual boundaries. There are many ways to go about doing this. Though the decision is ultimately yours, here are some basic options.

Your first option is to tell your partner right away what your boundaries are. Now, "right away" is a vague term. Personally, I would say wait until it seems as though a relationship of sorts may be flowering, then sit your partner down in a non-sexual situation and tell him or her how you feel. You should probably be ready for the question of "why," but it seems to me as though you have thought about this and will probably have a response close at hand. I would like to stress the importance of this being a non-sexual situation so that both parties can openly discuss what this fact may mean for the relationship.

Of course, the second option is to wait until the potential for your boundaries to be crossed arises, and then tell your partner that actually you will be going no further. This is a good choice if you want to see how the relationship is progressing, and it may also come into play when a situation moves faster than one or both parties may expect it to. Life is unpredictable, so expect the unexpected! If you choose this option, be sure to state your boundaries firmly and, as in the first situation, be prepared with an answer to the "why." Also, be prepared for a bit more of a backlash from your partner, as you are sure to have caught him or her off guard, versus in option one where both parties can remove themselves from the situation of a sexual encounter and consider the information objectively.

And there's option three: You can never tell your partner, and just continue to put off any sexual intercourse or conversation about it indefinitely. For some people, this is the most comfortable and plausible option, while for others it feels untruthful. I would think that this is more likely to be used in a situation where you do not foresee ever encountering this person again. If you would like to have a long-term relationship, I doubt that you can avoid addressing your abstinence forever.

As someone once told me, abstinence is not a choice you make once, it is a choice you make every minute of every day. To be comfortable with yourself and your relationship, I think you need to be open and honest about your feelings and your beliefs, of which this is one. Do not be afraid, and remember: If someone isn't willing to let you be happy and comfortable exactly as you are, then that person is not worth your time.

- The Sexpert