Minding your money manners

Money is the great social taboo, yet there is no way to avoid it. Wealth lurks behind nearly everything we can or can't do. College students in particular are affected by money issues as they begin to venture out on their own and learn to handle their finances; Princeton students are no exception.

"I was always taught not to speak about money," Lily Hines '09 said. "It's funny, because I feel like people talk a lot more about it here than back home. Maybe that's because I grew up in such an affluent community, so it wasn't really ever an issue. Then again, we're in college now, and many people are financially on their own, so it is an issue."

Though Hines noticed that people talk about money at Princeton more than in Winnetka, Ill., where she is from, almost everyone interviewed agreed that when it comes to financial etiquette, you should not bring up the topic unless it is necessary.

"People never really talk about money just for the sake of it," Erin Mills '09 said. "They talk about it only when it's a practical matter."

Many students agreed that money doesn't tend to come up in conversations between mere acquaintances. "Best friends or really really good ones can talk about money, but only if it is an excuse to do or not do something," Alissa Dubnicki '09 said.

Discussions about economic upbringings can give students a better idea of their friends' backgrounds, Dubnicki noted. But such discussions, she added, never come up in "casual conversation."

Nick Adam '08 said monetary tensions between friends usually result from small expenses. "If someone can't afford the $1,000 to furnish a dorm room, that's understandable," he said. "But it can be frustrating when a friend always snags most of your $3 containers of guacamole and never contributes to the 'guac fund.' "

Still, big-ticket items can be a source of strain as well. Some students may be happy to go out to dinner on Nassau Street or arrange exotic, expensive trips, while others may not be able to afford the excursions or just want to avoid spending extra cash.

"Last year ... my group of friends didn't want to go out to dinner because even though they had money, they were very money conscious," Mills said. "I was kind of bummed because it's not that I have the money myself really, and I do feel guilty for spending money when I don't have to, but I don't want that to get in the way of having fun or seeing people."

Most students interviewed said that when they want to go out to dinner, they ask people who they know don't mind spending money every now and then. If a friend says that they cannot because of money problems, other students do not make it a big deal, and in general, people are not shy about admitting why they cannot go.

Some people who were interviewed said they would pay for a friend's meal, but others said that such generosity would make them feel uncomfortable, especially if occurred frequently or for extravagant purchases.

"I think you get an awkward situation when you have a rich kid paying for his friends regularly," Matt De Jonge '10 said. "I think that would interfere with the friendship."

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The general consensus was that friends should alternate paying for each other or split the bill to avoid any hard feelings.

Most students also agreed that those who have money tend not to bring it up explicitly.

"At Princeton, it used to be the fact that it was mainly old money, and it was just a bunch of rich kids," Mills said. "Now that [Princeton has] adopted [its] huge financial aid program, people are more aware of the fact that not everyone has money. They don't want to seem like they're placing themselves above other people. They don't want to come across as the stereotypical Princeton student."

Emily Barnet '10 noted that people who have less money are more likely to talk about their spending habits than students from more affluent backgrounds. "I think that people who don't have money are not embarrassed to talk about needing to save because thriftiness is a quality everyone should have," she said. "But people who do have money are very reluctant to because they don't want to sound snobby or make their friends uncomfortable."

Whether a student has money or not, it is usually socially acceptable to bring up money when someone snags a bargain, Mills said.

"People are more likely to say how much something costs if they got it for a sale or a deal," Mills added. "They are more inclined to downplay how much money they have, even if they have it."

Though students who have money tend not to talk about their wealth explicitly, many students noted, there are other ways to detect affluence: through cars, clothes, vacations and room decor.

"You can get a general idea about how wealthy a student is in his dorm room," Adam said. "There can be some pretty excessive home entertainment theater systems on the Princeton campus. However, I'm not about to ask those students to downgrade just to make me feel more comfortable. As long as I can share in that quality surround sound experience, I am a happy guy."

Adam said there were two general rules for discussing finances: "Don't be a jerk, and don't be judgmental." He added, "But I think those are two rules that apply to any topic of conversation."

Jonge, who went to a New York private high school he said was dominated by wealthy students, enjoys the economic diversity at Princeton. "One of the great, refreshing things about Princeton and college is that most of my friends are of different financial backgrounds," he said. "And it really doesn't matter or interfere with our friendship."