For gay couples, a world of 'almost'

Frank Mahood and Chet Kabara have been together for almost 24 years. Only now, though, has the state of New Jersey put an official stamp on their longstanding partnership.

Along with numerous other same-sex couples in New Jersey, the two men rushed to have their relationship recognized after the state's civil union law went into effect Feb. 19.

The law was passed in December after the New Jersey Supreme Court ruled on Lewis v. Harris, decreeing that the state legislature must allow same-sex couples to marry or engage in civil unions with identical rights and privileges.

Among the Garden State residents who have taken advantage of the new law are three couples affiliated with the University: Mahood and Kabara, Rhonda Edwards and Lauri McVicker, and Paul Raeder and Robert Holly. Though all of the individuals interviewed said they were pleased to receive legal recognition of their status, they also spoke of lingering disappointment at not being able to call themselves fully married.

"We were kind of looking forward to what was going to happen in court," Mahood said, referring to the official procedure recognizing his partnership. "What ended up happening there is very good and all of us should be extremely pleased, but on some emotional level we were still a little disappointed that it stopped so short."

The two met when Mahood, who works for the Princeton University Press, hosted a meeting of the Delaware Valley Gay Neighbors, a local social support organization. Mahood became the stepfather of Kabara's young daughter, who now has children of her own. Both men consider themselves grandfathers.

"I find myself in the awkward situation of not being able to say what my relationship is," Mahood said. "I'm partnered? I'm civil-unionized? Marriage is a simple concept everyone understands."

Mahood and Kabara were not the only ones disappointed that the legislation stopped short of outright marriage. Edwards, who works for the Office of Alumni and Donor Records, and McVicker, who works for the University's Office of Human Resources, said they also regretted their inability to marry. The two have been together for over 10 years and confirmed their partnership in a religious ceremony in 1999.

"My partner and I don't want 'legalized gay marriage,' " Edwards said in an email. "We want marriage for all people. Obviously, we can't predict how long a battle this will be, but if past history is any indicator, it probably will be a long battle."

Of the 1999 religious ceremony, Edwards said, "For us, and for our family and friends who attended, that ceremony was our true wedding. The civil union ceremony we recently had gave us a chance to renew those vows."

For Edwards and McVicker, as well as for Mahood and Kabara, the civil union ceremony was about renewing their vows — and about the possibility of acquiring the same legal benefits as straight couples.

"We took advantage of the New Jersey domestic partnership benefits in 2004 but are grateful now to have more equal benefits," Edwards said, referring to that year's Domestic Partnership Act, which extended limited legal benefits to same-sex partners. "It would be truly equal if the state had called it 'marriage.' "

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Raeder, an associate director of the University's Annual Giving program, and his partner, Robert Holley, have been together for 27 years. But they didn't garner legal recognition of their relationship in New Jersey until their 26th anniversary, when, like Edwards and McVicker, they registered for a domestic partnership. Among other benefits, the partnership gave them hospital visitation rights during medical emergencies.

Princeton, however, has made it possible for employees' domestic partners to receive other benefits, as well. These include letting partners use each other's health and life insurance, as well as having access to subsidized classes at Princeton.

The University is reviewing its domestic partnership policy to ensure that it is in compliance with the new law, spokeswoman Lauren Robinson-Brown told the Princeton Packet on Tuesday, but she added that any changes are likely to be minor since Princeton already offered enhanced benefits.

Raeder and Holley said they are looking forward to their civil union ceremony and the rights it will give them.

The two had a service of holy union last year at Princeton Episcopal Church, which is, Raeder said, "as high a blessing as Episcopal churches are willing to do right now for same-sex couples."

Raeder added that he and Holley plan on holding their civil union service on the one-year anniversary of their church wedding, in April of this year. This will be followed by a small Unitarian ceremony conducted by a minister at their home in Princeton.

Raeder said the services will enable them to celebrate a "a religious marriage ... and a civil union at the same time."

"When the clergyperson says 'by the power vested in me' that power is [now] in the state [as well]," Holley said.

Nevertheless, Raeder and Holley said they share the sentiments of the two other couples about the difference between "civil union" and "marriage."

"The words 'civil union' [do] not have the same ring as the word marriage," Raeder said. "Marriage is the only word the whole world recognizes."

All three couples agreed that it will likely be a long time until those two words swap places in the legal codes. But they said they are confident that the transformation will eventually occur.

Raeder added that he hopes that, as more people register for civil unions, opposition to the legal recognition of same-sex partnerships will die down.

"People have to realize that heterosexual marriage won't come crumbling [down] just because same-sex couples are allowed to marry — that's the most common excuse [for opposing gay marriage]," he said.

Mahood added that he thinks the acceptance of gay marriage will come gradually as more tolerant generations grow up.

"I can remember still being considered 'sick' until the American Psychological Association took it out of the books," he said. "I remember being a 'criminal' until it was removed from the New Jersey civil code. For my generation, that's progress. Younger people today seem to be asking, 'What's the big deal?' And that's good — that's the best sign."