Dear Sexpert,
My significant other has genital herpes. We are not sexually active yet, but are planning to be soon. Is there any way I can avoid contracting herpes as well?
— Herpes-phobic
Dear Herpes-phobic,
This happens all too often — an old relationship is gone, but the STI that came with it isn't. So what should you do when your hot new flame comes with old viral baggage?
First, appreciate your significant other's integrity for being honest about this. Herpes is not a cool surprise present. It is, unfortunately, the gift that keeps on giving: once you've got it, you've got it for life. So, thank your significant other for telling you so that you can better protect yourself.
Second, do what you can to decrease your chances of catching herpes. Genital herpes is passed through the transfer of virus particles from your partner's genitals to yours, and the virus is actually spread all the time — not only during visible herpes outbreaks. To reduce your risk of catching the disease, have your partner take a prescription drug which will decrease the amount of virus released and reduce the number of outbreaks he or she has.
Condoms and dental dams will also help prevent virus transfer, though they won't stop it entirely if the infected region isn't completely covered. Lastly, the simplest tip of all: when your partner is having a herpes breakout, don't engage in sexual activity that involves the genitals (not that there will be any interest on their part in having sex — herpes breakouts are a painful business!).
Advice is all well and good, but as I think you've realized, the real question is whether you're willing to live with genital herpes if you do contract it. Since you're planning on becoming sexually active, it sounds like you've already answered this question for yourself. More power to you for thinking this through ahead of time, and again to your partner for being up front about the infection. — The Sexpert
Dear Sexpert,
I've heard you can get STIs from sex toys. That's crazy! Is it true?
— A Frequent Toy User
Dear Frequent User,
Yes, sex toys can pass sexually transmitted infections. You are, after all, putting them in places that come into contact with bodily fluids, and if you have an STI, it's going to be passed through those bodily fluids. So it's a really good idea to make sure to thoroughly clean your sex toys before each use.
Though some people tend to use just soap and water to clean their sex toys, and there are a lot of commercial toy cleaners available on the market, these options unfortunately don't always do the trick. The only surefire way to clean and disinfect a sex toy is to boil or dishwash it. Be aware, however, that you can really only boil and dishwash sex toys made of silicone or glass. For other toys, it might be possible that you can't thoroughly clean them. Give them your best shot with a commercial cleaner, but know that they could still carry an STI even after they are cleaned.
One way to decrease risk of STI infection from sex toys is to use a condom on them. I know this sounds a bit strange at first, but think about it: condoms prevent the spread of bodily fluids, so they will keep fluids from getting on or inside your toys, keeping your toys nice and squeaky clean for future uses.
You might even have to clean your sex toys more than once a night! If more than one person is using the toy or you're changing the orifice into which it is inserted, you're going to need to call in the cleaning crew. As long as the condoms completely cover your toys, using condoms on your toys will make sharing and swapping a lot easier — just change the condom when switching users or locations.
Oh, and think about who's around before sterilizing. Some people might find dildos in the dishwasher a bit startling... — The Sexpert
Dear Sexpert,
I just had sex for the first time and I didn't bleed a lot. What's wrong? — Clean Sheets
Dear Sheets,
Nothing's wrong. I'm assuming you're talking about first time vaginal intercourse, and the bleeding that is commonly associated with it. This bleeding is caused by the tearing of the hymen — a thin flap-like piece of skin right at the entrance to the vagina. The hymen is the "cherry" that is "popped" when a woman has intercourse, and its tearing causes the blood that often comes with first vaginal intercourse.
For all the talk surrounding the hymen and virginal bleeding, a lot of it is just hype. Hymens come in a variety of shapes and sizes, and some women are even born without one. When different hymens rupture, different amounts of blood can flow. And if you don't have a hymen, or if you have accidentally broken it before (see Oct. 12's "Can you lose your virginity with a tampon or a sex toy?"), you're not going to see any blood at all.
So unless your post-coital sheets look like a scene from "Carrie," any amount of blood, including no blood, is perfectly normal. — The Sexpert
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