Sex and alcohol on campus: a secret majority

Before you read this column, take a minute to answer the following two questions: Do you think you are more or less comfortable with Princetonian alcohol habits than the average Princetonian? Do you think you are more or less comfortable with the sexual norms at Princeton than the average Princetonian?

Most of you, I'm guessing, answered that you are less comfortable, both with sexual norms and with alcohol usage at Princeton, than most of your classmates. Research conducted at Princeton in 1993 by psychology professor Debbie Prentice showed that most Princeton students thought they were more uncomfortable with Princeton's alcohol environment than the average student. I would be willing to bet that if this survey was replicated, the same would hold true today. I would also be willing to bet that a survey about sexual behaviors would produce the same results.

Of course, these results make no sense. It can't possibly be true that an overwhelming majority is less comfortable with alcohol use at Princeton than the average student; by definition, only half of Princeton students can be less comfortable with Princeton's alcohol habits than the average. What is happening here is that, while in reality many Princeton students are uncomfortable with Princeton alcohol habits or sexual norms, most students think they are alone in these feelings. When we feel some discomfort or unease with drinking or sex at Princeton, we think this renders us weird and out of the ordinary, even as a large proportion of our friends and classmates go through the same discomfort.

This happens because when we think about our own attitudes toward sex or alcohol, we can remember the dilemmas and struggles we have in our own minds about these issues. I can remember grappling with questions about how many people it is O.K. to sleep with, and under what circumstances and wondering whether I should drink for the fifth time in a week. But when we look at other people, all we see is their external behavior — which often involves heavy drinking and sexual activity. We cannot see the dilemmas they have gone through, the concerns they have raised or the discomfort they have experienced with Princeton norms. Since we can't see these things, it's easier to assume that other people's actions tell the whole story: if they follow Princeton norms on sex and alcohol, they must be comfortable with those norms. Many of us remember drinking for the fifth time in a week and regretting it, or having that one-night stand we regret. But when we see others have one-night stands or drink excessively, we assume they are perfectly comfortable with these behaviors. In reality, they probably felt the same discomfort with drinking or sexual norms that we have, but we don't have a window into those thoughts.

The discomfort you've felt during your time at Princeton with regard to drinking or sexual behavior is by no means unique to you. You and I, and probably our roommates and our classmates from precept as well, have had moments when we felt uncomfortable with Princeton's social norms. You are probably not more uncomfortable with Princeton norms than the average Princetonian unless you denounce all forms of alcohol consumption or refuse to hold hands until marriage.

So, next time you feel slightly uncomfortable with something at Princeton, don't assume you're alone. Don't shove that discomfort away, thinking that it's weird and out of the ordinary to be feeling what you are feeling; your discomfort probably is not causing you not to fit in. But instead, realize that your discomfort with certain Princeton norms is what makes you an average Princeton student.

If all of us become just a little more open about showing others the sides of us that they can't normally see — the "us" that is a little uncomfortable with certain Princeton norms, and that is grappling with those issues every day — then students at Princeton can begin both to realize that their discomfort is common, and to engage in more meaningful conversation about campus norms on sex and alcohol. Karen Karniol-Tambour is a Wilson School major from Netanya, Israel. She can be reached at karenkt@princeton.edu.