"Beer," in the words of one Princeton undergrad, "is sweet."
That student is undoubtedly a genius, wise beyond his years. But there's more to the story. Beer is also bitter. Beer can be translucent or opaque, golden or pale. Sometimes beer can be too heavily carbonated, and it can overwhelm you with a grainy taste. Sometimes, it's chocolate oatmeal-flavored, or it tastes like your esophagus after a post-robo boot 'n' rally.
Yes ladies and gents, your suspicions are correct. Despite the ubiquity of Beast in mini-fridges and taprooms across campus, beer has variety.
So what makes a beer good? A fine and natural carbonation is always important. Light beer works well on warm days, and dark beer accompanies a heavy meal perfectly. Temperature, of course, also plays a pivotal role. Ever imbibed a Guinness that wasn't ice-cold? Good. Don't.
But rather than tackle a beer explication all by myself, I took a collective approach and culled information from all around the Princeton campus.
Beast 101: The taste test
It's easy to pontificate about the elements contributing to a good brew. "Sam Adams Triple Bock? Yes ... very dark and, um ... mellifluous?" In an attempt to separate the sophistication of the average undergrad's palette from his pretentiousness, I subjected a few of my peers to a simple taste test. The setup is simple: two opaque cups, one filled with a low-end beer (Beast), another filled with a moderately priced import (Corona). The testers randomly selected one of the two cups, sampled, rinsed his or her mouth with water, tasted the contents of the second cup, and then stated their preference.
Leland Hull '08, the newly elected social chair of her class, was the first to prove her beer astuteness. Hull unhesitatingly remarked after tasting the Corona: "A fine brew should be appreciated like a fine wine, and that was damn good."
The second taster exclaimed his support for Corona with equal gusto.
The remaining two participants — who wish to remain unnamed out of unadulterated shame — chose Beast over Corona. One can only imagine that repeated ventures to the Street have dulled their appreciation for a fine drink — or that they were already drunk at the start of the taste testing.
A scholarly approach
While the taste test above may be interesting in its own right, we must keep ourselves in check and remember that for Princeton undergrads, forays into the proletarian world of grain-based drinks are reserved, not for appreciation, but for getting really smashed. Students here have more important things to do than sip beers, like networking over squash and starching their collars. The professors at this prestigious institution, however, surely know how to enjoy a frosty brew, so I communicated with two Princeton scholars by email: James Richardson, acclaimed poet and head of the English Department; and Jason Tougaw, professor of the writing program's popular seminar "Dreams." Here's what they had to say:
Professor Richardson
MK: What's your favorite beer?
JR: Sierra Nevada Pale Ale.
MK: What do you look for in a beer?
JR: Bitterness, clarity, deep flavor — same as with poems.
MK: What advantages does beer have over other drinks?
JR: Beer contains mild stimulants (theobromines, among others). It's like coffee and a drink at the same time. Very cheerful. Dehydration is rare.
MK: Disadvantages?
JR: Heavy bottles.
Richardson responded to questions about connections beer and poetry with the following:
"Actually, I never think of beer and poetry together. Beer is social, writing is not. I've never written a single useful line even mildly 'under the influence.' "
Professor Tougaw
MK: What's your favorite beer?
JT: I like pretty innocuous beers: Red Stripe, Foster's.
MK: What advantages does beer have over other drinks?
JT: It tastes good with sushi; it's refreshing on a hot day.
MK: If Milwaukee's Best were a writing seminar paper, what grade would it get?
JT: I've never tasted it, but if it lacks motive and complex analysis expressed with clarity and grace, the grade would probably be pretty low.
MK: Is bribery with beer the only hope for getting an A on a writing seminar paper?
JT: Good luck.
Damnit. Looks like that six pack I mailed won't be remedying my D+. But who cares about grades when the next Thursday is never more than six days away?
Cheers.
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